Every life is a series of choices and chances, paths taken and not taken. We can ponder the unknowables of who we would be, if. If we'd grown up in a different place, or a different time; if we'd chosen a different school or a different career; if we'd looked different, or even been a different sex. This last "if" has a special quality -- from the point of view of this blog, at least. Because for most of us, our opposite-sex alternate reality has a name.
Even in this age of ultrasound, most parents still consider both boys' and girls' names for each baby-to-be. In some families, the unused name is later given life in the form of a younger brother or sister. In many cases, though, the name simply lingers in parents' minds as personal connection, insubstantial yet meaningful. My husband and I had just-in-case boys' names picked out when our daughters were born, and I still feel a sentimental attachment to those names. On some level, they're still "mine"...and in that way, they belong to my daughters, too. But of course my daughters don't remember those names, and can only hear them as foreign to themselves.
In fact, my own alternate-sex, alternate-reality name feels just as foreign to me. I was taken aback when my mother informed me that if I had been a boy, I would have been named Evan. Now Evan is a fine name indeed. It even ranked as one of the most "likeable" of all names in my informal poll a couple of years back. But it doesn't feel like me.
It's a mind-bender of a question, "what name would suit you if you were the opposite sex?" That's a lot of layers of hypothetical to fight through. Yet it's clear to me that Evan's light, contemporary Celtic style doesn't fit my image of myself.
I can't help but wonder how much that is shaped by the name I have borne all of these years. Laura and Evan are very different in history and style. If I had lived my life as, say, "Megan," would Evan seem like a more natural masculine alter ego? And if so, does that mean that as a Megan, I would have a different sense of self?
Try the exercise yourself: think about what you would name your own opposite-sex identity today. Not necessarily the name you like best, but the name that feels most natural to you. How does it relate to the name you actually bear -- and, if you know it, to the name you would have borne in your parents' alternate reality?
Your Alternate-reality Identity
10/15/2008, 12:47PM
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Comments
Dee, I think that the pronunciation that you'd get for Shadrach, Tarek, etc, really depends on where you live. I have no clue which country you are in, but I know that there are strong regional trends with regard to that vowel. Where I am, both names would be said with the "a" of hat, not car, and to me that is the preferred sound because that sounds "right" to me. However, if where you are, the regional tendency is for such "a"s to be the "a" from car that you like, (eg. Drama doesn't start with "Dram" and Pasta doesn't start with "past",) then maybe it won't be as troublesome as it seems when you get the opinions of people from all over the place, as you have here.
Plus, when we sit and contemplate names, repeating and analyzing them, we start to notice things that, in real life, wouldn't be as dramatically evident. It was only as I said the name a bunch of times that the nasality of the "Aflac" came to me. When I first said it, I thought that it kinda had something going for it...
Tirzah, Tarquin makes me think of the Monty Python Election Night sketch, in which Tarquin Phim Bim Olay Phetang Phetang Biscuit Barrel wins for the Silly Party (against Kenneth Jackson Bong of the Slightly Silly Party).
I've liked Tarquin ever since discovering it was the name Laurence Olivier gave to his first son, which I THINK was way back in the Thirties. He's the only one I've heard of. It has that ancient-world, classical feel. Bet it's becoming popular for stylish young Brits. I seem to have an affinity for certain "T" names, like Tobias and Titus. And Telemachus? And even ubiquitous classics, like Thomas. It's the "h" in that one that gets me...
I like Shadrach. The English pronunciation has traditionally been "SHAD-rack". I'll put in a good word for the "American 'a'"! It was good enough for everyone from Jack Benny to Abe Lincoln (presumably, given his prairie/woodland/mid-South origins) to Laura Ingalls Wilder (ditto Midwestern origins) to Henry Fonda, to Clint Eastwood, and on and on.
It's also the Canadian "a", mostly.
Shadrach reminds me of our discussion of "Enoch". Both interesting, way-underused Biblicals. I always was fascinated by that guy who played "Designing Women"'s design partner, the poor, put-upon "Anthony", who reluctantly succumbed to the madness of the Sugarbaker sisters. Wasn't his real name "Meshach Taylor" or something like that? Great name for an actor, since it sticks in your mind...
sme -- I think Winston is great. It was John Lennon's given mn and, because of this, my dh once bestowed it on a dog of his. This is one instance where I would actually use a name even though I have a pet connection to it.
dee -- Shadrach and Tarek are just nms. For me, I can't get past how they look and sound. I agree that you will likely have a range of pronunciations depending on where you live. However, if I were pressed to choose one, it would be Tarek.
FWIW, I pronounce Shadrach as SHAD-RACK (both the /a/ sounds are like apple). My first instinct is to pronounce Tarek to rhyme with Derek, although I could easily switch to have the first syllable rhyme with car instead.
Re: Finley and Harper, I do find them too matchy, esp for twins.
My captcha today is Burton Mordaunt. Wow.
By the way, thanks for all your feedback on the universality of "Benjamin".
I still struggle slightly with this, since as some of you know, when we adopted our Benjamin, there was a compelling reason for using that name, apart from our own liking of it. (Part of it sounded like his birth name, and we wanted to duplicate that sound for him, so he wouldn't feel disoriented by a completely new name. Since we weren't allowed to adopt him till he was almost two, this was important).
But despite the fact that I'm supposedly a name obsessive, and all that, I had convinced myself that we wouldn't encounter that many Benjamins.
Ha! Believe it or not, I was still thinking it a bit musty (in a desirable way, like Ezekiel), and also loved the historical associations, family associations, blah, blah.
As many of you know, our only real regret is the number of people who shorten it AUTOMATICALLY to Ben, no matter HOW he is introduced. But his own personal short-form continues to catch on-- I would say the majority of his friends, the school, teachers, etc., call him "Banks".
One last comment: We were picking up take-out in a local bistro last week, and the chef heard me calling him Banks. She immediately exploded "How did you get such a cool name?!" and avidly listened to the story. What fun that there are NE's everywhere...
And thanks, J&H's Mom, he is enjoying school! I trust J and H are as well!
I have a friend named Taric (rather than Tarek), but he's a French-Algerian and pronounces it to rhyme with Derek but with a French 'R'. Having this experience, I'll note that his name does not stick out much in a crowd; That's to say, when used in conversation it doesn't sound too "out there".
Re: Finley and Harper. I don't find them too matchy at all. If I met twins Harper and Lucy or Finley and Hazel, I think I would wonder what the parents were thinking with such stylistically different choices... I'd probably assume that one parent named one of them and the other parent, the other. I much prefer Finley and Harper together. To me, there's nothing matchy about them except style. If they had any of the same sounds in them, it would be too much, but they couldn't sound any more different -- no matching vowel sounds, no matching consonants.
Re: Finley and Harper. Clementine you make a good point about them not having any sounds in common or anything, but I'm still with the 'too-matchy' contingent. I'm not really sure what it is about the names that makes me feel that way. I don't like Harper with Lucy either though, those seem very different too. I can't really come up with what I do like with either one on the spot... hmm...
I certainly have a liking for the more obscure Biblical names, and in theory, I really like Shadrach. However, like many others here, I get hung up on the sounds and pronunciation. I'm not sure there is a good way around that conundrum.
I do like Tarek though, especially when Tar rhymes with car. I still like it when the name is pronounced to rhyme with Derek, but the first pronunciation is my favorite.
As for Harper and Finley, neither are my style, and they do seem really matchy, but I don't hate them together. At least they are not Finley and Finlay. Or Lily and Lillian. I would much rather the parents of twins use names with matching style than that they pick alliterated names or different derivatives of the same name. That being said, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't think twice about twins named Catherine and Elizabeth, which also match in style to my ear. I just happen to like that style more. So I think that my reservations about Harper and Finley together have more to do with them being NMS than with their matchiness.
re: Winston- I had a friend in HS with that name, and for whatever reason, it's not one I've loved over the years. It also brings to mind *something* else (not Churchill or cigs), but I don't know what. A character in a favorite book series has the name Win as his nn and he is quite an interesting guy. I don't know... I'm trying to like it more, since there's nothing about it I actively dislike.
re: Finley and Harper- I really like them together. Felix and Oscar though... maybe a little much. Although my boys (age 18 and 16) had NO clue why the combo was an issue.
Watching the Sox/Rays game the other night, DS1 kept yelling at the TV, "IF YOU GET A HIT, I'LL NAME MY FIRST SON JASON!" "IF YOU WIN THE GAME, I'LL NAME MY FIRST SON LESTER!" I kept telling him that promising to use "Varitek" might get better results, but he wasn't willing to go THAT far. I thought Varitek might sound cool with our last name, 4 syll., Italian, lots of A and I sounds (/ah/ and /ee/). ;)
I just thought I'd post the link to an article I read about baby name trends --
http://lifestyle.msn.com/your-life/family-parenting/articleab.aspx?cp-do...
I like Finlay and Harper together. They're very much the same style, while not being matchy in any other way that I can tell. It's not like they picked Harper and Piper, or Harper and Atticus*. I agree with what DelinaRose said--if it were some other style, I don't think the matching would be displeasing to most here. We have a fair number of discussions here about *trying* to match the style of later kids to earlier ones--I don't think this is a bad thing.
*Out of curiousity, I googled Harper and Atticus together, and immediately found someone on MySpace who apparently named her two kids that. Funny.
Different topic--I just found out that a baby named Calder is going to be joining Ivy's daycare class. I love this name, but it didn't make it to our short list because DH didn't go for it. I guess now I'm glad it didn't (moot point anyway, since we had a girl, but can you imagine there being two Calders in a class of 5 kids? lol)--but it did make me remember how much I loved this one, and I guess I'm glad someone's using it!
All this talk of Harper has reminded me that the sister of one of my college friends named her daughter Harp3r L33 LN -- at least I think it was L33 and not L3igh, but I'm not positive. The little girl was born in 2003 or 2004, I think. Harper was the mother's maiden name, and Lee is the middle name of my friend. Again, NMS, but it certainly honors her family and it has the added bonus of the literary association as well.
Delia -- I just finished the article you posted. I was a bit baffled by the couple who named their daughter Reagan and the followed up with a son named Carter Rutherford. Admittedly, Rutherford is the mom's maiden name, but still ... it's just too heavy on the presidential surnames for me. Even just Reagan and Carter on their own ...
I knew I was getting a creepy vibe to the name Winston, and then I remembered-- Winston Smith from George Orwell's "Nineteen Eighty-Four". I read that book at school and haven't wanted to revisit it since, despite its brilliance. Ugh, the scene with the rats.....
I think Haprer and Finley are splendid sibs. NMS, though.
Hyz made all the points at 1:11pm taht I had in mind.
I think the Reagan and Carter are oddly Presidential but I still like them much better than the arrays of -aiden's. At least they have a little history and weight. Just my opinion.
I, too, really like the combination of Harper and Finley, though they *are* my style. It's pretty rare that I like celebrity names... Although if I had a daughter now, there is no way that I'd name her Harper because, well, that is the Prime Minister of Canada, and naming kids after politicians - especially current [and Conservative] ones - is not something that I'd ever do.
re: Winston
MY association with that name (aside from Churchill) is Mrs. Doubtfire. When she is telling Miranda Hillard about her deceased husband she says "Poor Winston's idea of foreplay was,'Effie, brace yourself.'"
It's nothing that would be a consideration when naming a child, obviously, but it amused me how that line just stuck in my head.
Am I the only one who saw Ella and Emma in that article on name trends and immediately thought "and Noah, and Pia!"
A pox on matchy twin names, I say. This may be because I went to school with triplets named R0nd@, L0nd@, and D0nn@.
Thanks everyone for your feedback on Winston. I am still not sold on the name (or even close to it) but haven't scratched it off my list for DH's sake. My top boy name is Oliver. DH thinks Oliver is a bit of a wimpy name, but I think it is perfect!
Beth- not "Dond@"? lol My friend R0nyse (raw NEES) went to HS with friends Denise and M0niece (MOH nees). I knew twins whose birthnames were Lawnd@le and Rond@ale. Ai yi yi.
Karyn- LOL! I would have never thought of that quote, but now that you've "said" it, I'm cracking up!
I found that the list of "names I love" is much longer than the list of "names I would actually use for my own children". BK (Before Kids), I wanted to name 3 girls Madison, Reagan, and Kennedy. While I still love Kennedy, the combo is SO not me anymore!
Can we talk about what we mean by "too matchy"? I confess that Amy3 and others' assertions that Finley & Harper are too matchy has me feeling like I just don't quite get it. Please enlighten me?
Is it the Lastname First trend together with Boys' Names for Girls trend that does it here?
sme, Oliver is one of my favorite boy names, and my DH had the same reaction to it. I was surprised, because he's definitely not a macho guy, and doesn't place any value on a son's name being macho/strong/sporty/whatever, but that was his complaint about Oliver. On the other hand, he was totally on board for Rowan, and it didn't bother him in the least that it's being snatched up by girls. Go figure.
Nicole, that's funny--it didn't even register with me that Harper and Finley are both last names, since Finley seems to be so popular as a first name these days, and with Harper I think of Harper Lee. So I guess they are matchy in that way. I was thinking of them as being matchy only in the style, which is a bit hard to describe--I see the pair as something like middle school English class meets the current mania for Irish sounding names meets the somewhat androgynous names trend meets the kinda offbeat but not too far out there crowd. I'll probably get jumped on for this, but to me it sounds like like the low brow end of high brow, if that makes any sense at all--very college educated and white and middle class. All that said, I actually quite like both of those names (maybe it figures, since I fit the list of descriptors above, lol), but I don't think I would use them, especially together.
If I had been a boy I would have been a Zack. I think I would have made a much better Zack, I always hated Lisa. My middle name would have been the same - Ray, me and my brother have the same one, dad wanted to name his kids after himself - lots of imagination there.
Mom bought a dog and named it Zack instead - she really liked the name.
Winston: I have a 10 yo cousin named Winston. He is a very fun kid with glasses and looks like a professor. He is a true farm boy that milks cows, drives tractor and builds forts. It is nms, but it is a good name.
Hyz-I think personally that you hit the nail right on the head with your description of how Finley and Harper match. I too think they do and I remember somewhere back (I will have to look it up because it is bugging me so much) on this board was another post where we addressed Harper.
I also have a bit of a thought as to explaining the style of those names. I thought of 2 things-1)the name Jessica (forgive me Jessica). Most of us classify this beautiful name as a dated 80's thing and many of us would not use it currently for such reasons. 2) valley girl names-Many of us hear Buffy, Muffy, Tiffany, and others as distinctly belonging to a subset of girls (around the 80's primarily) that were given names to announce their class or wanna-be class or popularity or something (I'm not actually really sure WHAT they were trying for).
In hearing names like Finley and Harper and others we get a similar feel (described well by Hyz above). So I think what many mean by matchy is that they have a similar feel. Sarah is biblical and classic as well. Stacey is a Sweet Valley girl. Matilda neither one.
I don't really love Finley and Harper together, but I think I'm just not a fan of Finley. I know of sisters (not twins) named Reese and Harper. I like that combo.
Dee,
I have to say that Tarek makes me think of a Vulcan from Star Trek. I don't know if there was an actual character with that name (my DH would know - he's a Trekkie) but it has that sound.
So, speaking of twins, if the two given names are not too out-of-sync with each other but also not too matchy, then is it ok for them to have the same initial sound: say, Elizabeth and Eleanor? What about different initial sounds but nicknames that begin with the same letter: Beah for Beatrix and Betsy for Elizabeth? Or should parents of twins stay as far away from matching letters as posible?
P.S. Am having twins, but don't know the sexes yet, so we are still in the theoretical naming stages. That said, I needed to play with the names of our other kids for a long time in order for them to feel right at birth.
I like the names Harper and Finley - think they match nicely in style and feel, without being too sound or alliteration matchy.
Re: Winston - this is also the name of a fishing fly rod company, so this is a popular name of labrador retrievers in the hunting and fishing crowd in my community. I know at least 3 labs named Winston, but no children.
I just found out that my husband's name was to be Erica if he was a girl - I can see that on him. His mom said she always knew if she was having a boy or girl, so she would pick out the name of the sex of the baby she thought it was, and let his dad pick out the name for the other sex. She was always right and picked out all of 4 of their children's names.
Not that I think there is anything wrong with Star Trek -dh & I fell in love watching it...
I know a family who named their kids after presidents - Taylor, Madison & Kennedy. They said that if they had had another they would've named a boy Carter or a girl Reagan.
I went to grade school with twins named Christine and Francine.
Winston is okay. I do think of Churchill. I think other names with that style/feel are names like Remington, Harrison and Stuart. It feels very English, stoic as someone else said, dignified, etc. I think it's a lot of weight for certain people.
@hyz - Thank you- you have an amazing way with words. Now that you've explained it, I do see the 'matchiness' of Finley & Harper quite clearly, though I wouldn't have seen it that way before.
@christinepearl - Sarek was Spock's Vulcan father. (I'm not a Trekkie, just married to one.)
@Jane P -Yes, I think parents of twins should stay as far away from matching letters & rhyming sounds as possible, which also goes for nicknames. Just consider me "matchy" paranoid.
I second (third?) the idea that twins' names should be completely different from one another in terms of first letter/syllable and last syllable. (Same last letter can be okay if the beginnings are different enough.)
And the more I think about it, the harder I know it will be to name my own children when the time comes. Because, while there are a few names that are "my style", like the above-mentioned Harper and Finley, I cannot see actually deciding that either one is the name that I like above all others and will bestow on my child.
I'm now trying to think of girl twin names that would go together well without being "matchy." I think Jane and Alice would be a lovely combination: short, familiar but not overused, with a whiff of the 19th century about them and some literary pedigree. I think either of those names would give off a similar vibe with Elinor, Charlotte, and Caroline. But they are kind of matchy. I just prefer this style to Harper and Finley.
Elizabeth and Margaret would also be a twin set that go together well. But since both are so traditional and not tied to any one era/social class/religious affiliation, I don't think they send a strong "style message" (style narrative, if we want to be on trend with the election speak?) Elizabeth and Sarah feel similarly un-noteworthy in terms of style.
Now, Phillipa and Hermione send a strong style message--and while I like both names on their own, I would find that twin set a bit much.
Hyz,
At my last college reunion, there was a baby boy named Calder. His dad was an architect, so I thought it was a nice match. I wonder if your Calder has parents in the arts.
Or hockey fans. (The Calder Trophy is given to the NHL rookie of the year and the Calder Cup goes to the AHL team that wins the playoffs.)
I have to admit to something of a change of heart about Finley and Harper. Maybe they're not *that* matchy, but somehow I would be happier if they were simply sibs rather than twins. (hyz did perfectly capture the matchy factor for me, though.)
It was funny because I asked my husband if he thought they were too matchy. He said that other than having letters, there's nothing similar about them at all. On the other hand, he finds Catherine and Elizabeth matchy in a terrible way. Not because they're so much like each other, but because they're like "everything else," which equates to them being "boring" (never mind that our daughter's mn is Katherine). He finds Finley and Harper interesting because they're different, but not too out-there. That said, when asked if he would name kids Finley and Harper, he was quick to say he definitely wouldn't.
It was enlightening to hear the very non-NE opinion on this.
Okay, I looked it up. The matchiness of names was covered back on the Aug 28 thread of "The Social Order" and referred to the names Willow and Piper actually.
I think these fit into the same "style" as Finley and Harper also.
Twins names-not matchy. Hmm:
I think if you picked some classic names they would match anything else and you would be able to mix styles a bit. Girls: Elizabeth, Grace, Catherine, Melissa, Beatrice, Jacqueline.
Boys names: Thomas, Michael, Matthew, Christopher, James, Nicholas. These all could be matched with something trendy or of a certain origin or anything.
Examples:
Catherine + Felicia
Jacqueline + Ashley
Thomas + Brayden
Matthew + Blake
Beatrice + Riley(g)
@Karyn - "I cannot see actually deciding that either one is the name that I like above all others and will bestow on my child." Yes, I hear you. If the time ever comes for us to welcome a new baby again, I know I'll over-think it. Is it possible that naming gets progressively harder with a second, third, or fourth child?
My 'matchy' paranoia aside, I think there should be some symmetry amongst sibling names. It's tough to find the right balance between matchy and symmetrical. With twins, it could be interesting if the parents would each name one child and keep it a secret from the other parent. Then again, if we actually did that in our house, heaven only knows what crazy pair we'd come up with. In light of DH's most recent comments on my favorite subject of names (which he just hates), it would probably turn out to be some combination like Utley & Sophie (b/g), Utley & Whit (b/b), or Sophie & Marie (g/g). Yikes - those matchy "ee" endings!
Well, it sounds like the verdict is I'm being too nit-picky.
I've never been in love with Finley for girls, so maybe that's my problem.
There is a very small list of names I do prefer on girls. I was reminded of that today while I was hanging out with a little girl named Bryce at Henry's preschool. For no good reason, I've never cared for it on boys, but it seems to suit this little girl to a tee.
And, as long as we're sort of on the TKM connections, I really like the sound of Hale-which was the mn of Atticus's brother Jack.
Might be hard to pull off as a fn, though.
I suppose it's a surname name?
We have a dog called Scout, so my sister likes to say I'm trying to recreate TKM.
My nephew, however, says that his cousins are named after trains from Thomas the Tank Engine (one could do worse..with the notable exception of Rheneas).
J&H's mom-Sounds like the perfect combo for twins:Mavis and Percy! Lol very NMS! My apololgies to any ACTUAL twins named these names!
Incredibly tangential story about the name Scout - I took dd to a classmates birthday party where I met one of the host parents - Scout, who was completely androgynous. It took me the whole party to figure out. (not mom) Oddly enough, there are 3 kids, all with androgynous place names.
Jane P-
As far as "matachy" twin names I think it is better if the names match stylistically rather than first-letter matches. I will list some real-life twin-sets I know (and like) as an example:
Matthew & Daniel
Timothy & Matthew
Michael & Benjamin
Anne & Kate
Christopher & Stephen
Jacob & Zachary
Caroline & Georgia
Isabelle & Beatrice
Hope that helps!
eesh i meant "Matchy"
Aybee- totally agree with you. I haven't come across very 'matchy' twin names IRL, so I'm amazed to hear about e.g. Taylor and Tyler. Yikes! I think that may be more common in the US than the UK, so I'm just not used to it.
Growing up, the twins I knew were Cynthia and Julia (my cousins- known as Cynthie and Julie), Nichola and Diane, Martina and Anthony (known as Tina and Tony... hmmm, actually that's a bit matchy), Robert and Erica. Guess there weren't so many twins around either!
Coll- I woke up this morning with the name Tarquin Phim Bim Olay Phetang Phetang Biscuit Barrel going round and round in my head. LOL! This may go on for days... Does anyone else have that problem with names or words?
Interestingly enough, my step-sister (an Emma) and I both would have been Zachary. We used to talk about this a bit when we were kids, imagining what our lives would be like if we were step-brothers both named Zach.
I can't really imagine myself as a Zach but maybe if I was a boy I'd be so different it would fit? After all, I would have been Zach my whole life...
At one point my parents intimated that I would have been Justin had I been male. I find this hard to believe since the first five of their seven children possess three-syllable names. Furthermore, the first three males bear more sophisticated forenames (J*nathan, Ch!stopher, Gr3gory) with which Justin does not match. Nevertheless, my father's choice for the fourth son, Aus+in, proves more similar to the Justin proposal.
Ironically, I find myself also riffling through "J" names when I construct my alternate reality. I lean toward Jude. I'm not sure why this parallels Jessica in my mind...
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