The Baby Name Wizard

I have to agree with Peony's well-stated point about the injustice inherent in the patrilineal tradition, but I can also see where k8sky was coming from when she said that keeping one's father's name is really no more progressive or feminist than adopting one's husband's name... both are patrilineal male-line names, after all. We just don't have a tradition of matrilineal female-line surnames.

On the other hand, I don't think it's necessarily always wonderful from the man's point of view, either. Nowadays, almost no one bats an eye if a married woman keeps her own birth name, or if a child has a different surname from her mother. There's very little stigma attached to it anymore. I can't imagine a North American bride in this day and age who doesn't regard keeping or changing her surname as a conscious choice to some extent.

But for guys? As my husband pointed out to me, there's still a lot more stigma attached to a man who changes or hyphenates his name, and most guys probably feel that it's not an option for them at all, given family, social and professional expectations. Maybe some of the guys on the board could back me up on this, but... I think that nowadays, the patriarchal naming structures of the past are falling apart, and it's us women who have the greatest flexibility and freedom of choice with surnames.

Ayaka, exactly what I was trying to say (but said better)!

k8sky: I really like all of your choices, especially the beautiful first name Genevieve. I think the s-S problem of Miles S@v@ge is not so bad in light of the fact that your son would likely use Milo a lot of the time. Also, because neither "Mile" nor "Avage" standing alone is a complete name, my ear hears the name correctly, even if it's pronounced quickly. The sounds-running-together problem creates more ambiguity in situations like the NPR announcer Steve Inskeep. Whenever I hear him say his name on the air, I hear "Steven Skeep." :-)

Regarding middle names, all of your choices are lovely and very thoughtful. For some reason with both Genevieve and Miles and your last name, I have a slight preference for the rhythm created by the two-syllable middle names (Genevieve Esther, Miles Patrick, Miles Dixon). If you agree, you might also consider Genevieve Katherine? It LOOKS long, but has the same lovely rhythm as Genevieve Esther.

On the surname subject, I got engaged a month ago and very swiftly made the decision for myself. It went like this. On the day we got engaged, I asked my sweetie whether he had any opinions about me changing my name vs. not. He said it made no difference to him.

However, just a few months before, I had been unsuccessfully trying to get a gmail address with *any* reasonable variation of my name. They were all taken. The day after our engagement, he created a gmail account with myfirstname.hislastname (both of our last names are somewhat uncommon, but his is apparently less common than mine). He then sent me an email from the new account saying "How does this look to you?" I thought it looked fabulous and made up my mind pretty much on the spot to take that name.

Ayaka--

And have you noticed as well that men seem to go by their last names A LOT? When I first met my husband in college, everybody (men and women alike) called him by his last name. When we started dating, I had to train myself to call him by his first name instead of his last name.

And on a similar note, last night while out shopping I met somebody that my husband works with. My husband didn't introduce me and didn't introduce me, and so finally I took it upon myself. The other guy told me his first and last name. As we walked away, my husband whispered, "Sorry, I would've introduced you, but I didn't know his first name. I know him as *guy's last name*."

AK-
To your point, I am a woman who is known by her birth last name (near exclusively) in certain circles, because of years as an athlete.

It's one of the reasons I chose to be First Name MyLastname HisLast Name (no hyphen).

Hi Laura!

Thanks for the response. (I'm very excited to hear directly from you!) I can't wait to read your new book. BTW, I give your book to all my newly pregnant friends as a "congratulations" present. I love it!

In your original post, you were encouraging your (majority female) readers not to hog all of the naming rights, but to share with the other parent and negotiate a compromise. In your recent comment, you said you hear from people who have a lot of regrets when they surrendered power in a trade-off deal. In my reading, the regrets support a "no trade-offs" position, but don't necessarily support your initial "compromise stance." In fact, probably some of the regrets are from parents who *did* take a "compromise stance," but then regretted the degree of compromise. The fact that there are a lot of regrets actually may support the "power grab" stance of the older ladies in the supermarket!! (Unless the complaints are from Dads who got pushed out of the process.) Has anyone ever heard of a Mom who named the baby by herself and a Dad who strongly regrets allowing that to happen? That situation probably exists, but I bet it's not very common.

I still think that it's fine to power grab if the other parent is okay with it. (This is especially true if talking about names with your man is like pulling teeth.) :)

Regarding surnames, I kept my last name. Tirzah is hard to pronounce, so I like having my simple last name. I didn't want Tirzah with his difficult surname. Also, it would be weird to take on a Japanese surname when I am ethnically Chinese. I don't have a problem with giving his surname to our kids because they *are* ethnically Japanese! Plus, I purposely gave them easy to pronounce first names to go with their difficult last name.

I am of the school of thought that my name is simply my name and though it does tell people who I am, it does not define who I am. I mean, if I'm asian with a German last name, so what, it's not like people are going to see me and somehow not realize I'm asian... Our surname doesn't dictate what kind of culture we choose to raise our children with or anything else other than what we write down whenever we put our names on anything.

Maybe I just don't have as strong of a bond with my family as some of you, but I also don't understand the need to have your children bound to extended family through names, be they first, middle or last. I have never shared any names with my mother's parents, however that doesn't make me any less bonded to them than to my father's parents with whom I shared a last name and now no name. And even living 1/2 way around the world from my parents, I don't feel that our daughter has any less connection with my parents (whom she shares not one name) than she does with my husband's parents with whom she shares a last name. Interestingly, my husband's mother cried and cried, because still, none of her 3 grandkids first or middle names are named after her or her ancestry... blah... However, she's one of those name crazy ladies who goes by FN MN maidenname firstmarriedname currentmarriedname, and spends all her free time trying to research family she never met that died a few hundred years ago and are so distantly related that they aren't really even related... Supprised she hasn't added more names yet. god forbid she remarry again...LOL!

I do however think that one family unit should try to have a cohesive name situation. I mean, I grew up with a friend who's family names went like this (the following is just an example)
Dad/Step-dad FN MN Jurgenson
Mom FN MN Hendrickson
girl 1 FN MN Ingraham
boy 1 FN MN Jurgenson
girl 2 FN MN Jurgenson
boy 2 FN MN Hendrickson-Jurgenson
girl 3 FN MN Hendrickson-Jurgenson

So christmas cards read as follows...

To the Jurgenson, Hendrickson, Hendrickson-Jurgenson, Ingraham Family. I mean, come on, at least pick something and stick with it! Who freakin' cares what you pick, but pick it and stick with it...

AK, I hadn't even considered that but you're absolutely right, about some men calling each other by last names much of the time. Although even that can go both ways - in college I had a few male friends who called me by my last name just as they did their male friends. And since my first name is so common, I've often needed some way to distinguish myself in a group with multiple Sarahs, so there are whole groups of people even now who know me by a shortened version of my last name as much as they do by my first. Yet another reason why it would feel odd to change my name at this point.

Guest#107-I'm glad your daughter has a strong connection to her family on both sides. That is a wonderful thing to pass on to your children. However, I don't think that your MIL is crazy (though I don't know her) nor anyone else that pursues tracing their family history and genealogy. Maybe I read into your comment more than you intended, but I think that people who do that (yes ME) are not more or less crazy then people who enjoy other hobbies. Plus, it gives your daughter something else to share with her gma and an even greater connection to her past.

The Christmas card thing is a little nuts though.

Just another perspective from a young newlywed (24):

We got married a year before I was done with college and I decided that I didn’t want to legally change it until I received my degree (with my name on it!). Though I had doodled Melissa HisLastName on my notebooks all through high school, I didn’t realize until we got married how attached I was to my maiden name. People in school used it to address me, it was always distinctive and hard to pronounce (which I kinda liked), and strongly German so I felt really connected to that side of my family.

Hyphenating would be horrible (think Glice-Dunder). When people ask, now I say that I’ll change it before we have kids. However, I realized from reading the discussion here that if it weren’t for us having kids one day, I would never change it. Kids change the picture (for me) because, as someone above mentioned, moms and dads with different last names say ‘broken home’ to me (I grew up with a [half] brother and sister with different last names, as well as my mom reverting to her maiden when she divorced my dad). Many factors play into this decision, and I’m obviously reaching for what I considered ‘normal’ compared to my upbringing.

Now I’ve decided that I want to pursue a career in medicine, and ‘Dr. Dunder’ will not do :) The first time I said it out loud I was cracking up! I’ll eventually change it to Melissa mn Glice(second mn) Dunder, practice as Dr. Glice, answer to Mrs. Dunder, and we’ll give the kids ‘Dunder’ as ln. I’d like to add Glice as a second mn to my kids’ names, but what choice does that leave them when they marry? Lop one off? Pull in Dunder as a third mn and tack on a new last? I don’t want to saddle them with that choice.

I’ve decided the best I can do is show them what it is to be a ‘Glice’, maybe take a trip together to see the town where the Glices came from in Switzerland... essentially create the kind of connection with their mother’s family that I never had with mine.

Guest--it seems as if those last names must have been meaningful to the Jurgenson-Hendrickson-Ingraham family in some way (I assume girl 1 was from mom's prior relationship, boy 1 and girl 2 were from dad's prior relationship, and girl 2, boy 2, and boy 3 were from mom and dad's current marriage?) and I wouldn't fault them for their choice. I think it's more important that their names reflect their personal values and life stories, than that they be convenient for everyone else. In that instance, I'd just write something like "Merry Christmas to Susan and Jim and your beautiful family!" or "To Jim, Susan, Ashley, Jason, Caitlyn, Taylor, and Emily, wishing you all the best this holiday season!" or whatever. No big deal, right?

I know a woman who, like sarahsmile and Aybee, was commonly known by her last name in high school and her early 20s (she was an athlete). After college, most people gradually stopped calling her by the surname, but her boyfriend kept it up. They are married now. She changed her last name to his, but he still calls her by her former last name most of the time. The effect is that her birth surname has been converted into a nickname that is used only by him. It's very sweet in my opinion---like a constant reminder between them of the young people they were when they fell in love.

@minnesotakate--I thought the NPR guy's name WAS Steven Skeep! That's hilarious!

Anne with an E--I thought so too for the longest time, but it sounded sort of funny to me when he said it so I looked it up. I'm guessing his given name is probably Steven Inskeep, which sort of sounds like it has a stutter in the middle!

I have been lurking here for months. I love reading all the comments and decided to finally post.

In choosing my last name, my husband and I struck a deal. It was very important to me to have a full Catholic wedding, at the time my husband was pushing for a 15 minute ceremony. I was also finshing up my Masters so I was pushing for me to hypenate my last name. Hubby was not too keen on the hypenation idea. Well, needless to say, we compromised, I got my hour long mass, and I took his last name, dropping my maiden name all together.

Honestly, I did not feel much tie to my maiden name (sorry to me 'birth name' reminds me of my adoptive son's true birth name and I feel does not fit in this context, therefore I use 'maiden name'). I was often teased about my maiden name (Pope), and I was never close to my father's family. So, there was really no need for me to "keep" it. Hence, the compromise (as silly as it sounds) worked for us.

Now, like others have mentioned people used to call me by my Last Name. I was also an athlete in college, many people from then STILL use my maiden name as a NN. No problem, it makes me laugh and remember those fun days.

I agree with the overall consensus that this is a personal decision that needs to be decided by whomever is changing or keeping their name.

Consequently, we are expecting baby #2 in August. At this point husband and I are still in the throws of making a name decision. As always, we plan on making this decision together - neither of us trumping the other. This is our child, so we feel the need to both agree on the name. By the way, I'll be posting again for opinions on a name we are pondering... It's a tough one :)

Thanks for reading, just my 2 cents...

@ PunkPrincessPhd

"... his grandmother insists on addressing cards to us as: Mr and Mrs McKay*, not Dr and Mr Grant-McKay*..."

If my in-laws left out "my" part of the family name - repeatedly and intentionally - I'd send all their mail back with a "return to sender, no such name at this address".

Another surname story: My sister met her husband in medical school. They married shortly after graduation. She was planning to take his last name, but everyone told her not to because it would be too confusing to have two people named "Dr. Morales" in the house.

I understand wanting to keep your last name, not wanting to keep it, wanting to create a new name, etc. I have to say, though, that I don't understand the "Christmas card" problem. It never occurred to me to take my husband's last name when I married. My last name isn't great, and I'm not attached to my father's family beyond my father, but like others I had gotten my degrees, published, etc. under my name. My husband's last name is downright teasing material, but he feels sentimentally attached to it. When we had our son we had one of the "compromises" that worked well (not poorly) for us--it was very important to me to name a child in honor of my grandfather (actually my step-grandfather, whose entire family, including young son, had been killed in the Holocaust). My husband understood that it was very important to me. It was very important to him that the child have his last name, which will otherwise "die out." I understand that it was important to him. But I am genuinely happy that our son has his last name and he is (to the best of my knowledge) genuinely happy that our son has my grandfather's first name because that is now who our son is and respecting things that matter to each other seems like a crucial part of any marriage. It seems to me, as to others, that trade-offs are fine. Basically, consensus (about the process, if not the name) is good, coercion is bad. But I don't see why that would be controversial.

SO to the Christmas cards: we sign ours with our three first names. Christmas cards have pictures and return addresses, so even if we had the first names as another family it wouldn't be too confusing. We get lots of Christmas cards addressed with each of our first names, no last names. The post office has no problem with this.

Sorry for the long post. But the using first names solution for families with multiple last names is quite common among the people we know, and I hadn't seen it represented here yet.

I took my husband's name in 1968. I considered keeping my name and then asked if we could settle on a new name, with his first initial. That went no where. Twenty-nine years later, we divorced. Very bad scene. I went back to my maiden name for a second, but my 14 year old daughter was very upset by yet another "loss' in her eyes--and, of course, I had had this last name for my entire adult life-and 2 children and professional identity and a business.. So. I caved.The last name is Italian-American. I am French- Irish- American--and look it. Because I am of a certain age--and cook well- people often ask me for the family recipes for gnocchi, et al.Not kidding. I give them recipes, but they don't see me, really. I like my life, I like that my name matches my children, but it still saddens me that a major part of my identity was swallowed up. I guess, I wish I'd kept my maiden name or crafted a new family name. My son and his wife have kept their birthnames. The children will bear his last name and her lastname as a second middle name. My daughter just got married to a guy with a "beautiful" last name(says she)--and it starts with the same initial as her old name-so she took his. We often call her by her 3 initials-so she feels she has lost little-she is still ADF.....and I think she may be annoyed with her father, a bit, so the rebellion is complete. Different strokes, I guess.

Woohoo! Sarah Jessica Parker had her twin girls!

"Marion Loretta Elwell Broderick weighed 5 lbs., 11 oz., and Tabitha Hodge Broderick weighed 6 pounds," the statement continues. "Both Hodge and Elwell are family names on Parker's side."

Big Brother is James Wilkie Broderick.

I like Tabitha. I don't think Marion is quite ready to be used again. I still think of it as a Baby Boomer name. This is especially true paired with Loretta, another older name. Also, I would have given Tabitha a second middle name like her sister.

Just a celebrity name sighting, and a pretty awesome one- Sarah Jessica Parker and her husband have named their twin daughters Tabitha Hodge and Marion Loretta.

Thanks, Tirzah and Blythe! I, too, like Tabitha a lot. I've had a soft spot for this one since I watched Bewitched as a kid. I would have preferred Miriam to Marion.

@ Anna:

'If my in-laws left out "my" part of the family name - repeatedly and intentionally - I'd send all their mail back with a "return to sender, no such name at this address".'

Don't think I haven't been tempted! It does worry me that they'll do the same with our daughter (when she's born in November), but at that point I'm pretty sure her dad would put his foot down! Maybe that's also why I'm less than concerned about how they will "deal" with her complicated and unusual Irish name - they have their own children and grandchildren with "their" surname. For our child, our family, our choice, not yours, Grandma.

I guess I opened up a can of worms, but I really didn't mean to!

Hart, I certainly see your point that a woman should claim or own the name on her birth certificate-- it's hers, certainly. I was just pointing out that a surname usually comes from the father's line. I used "husband" instead of "father in law" because the husband is part of a patrilineal line. I certainly wouldn't say that this "system" is the best one, and I do see the inherent sexism in it. I wouldn't say it is "my" system, it's just the reality of what is traditionally true in America.

I like what you and your husband decided to do with your surname(s). In fact, the reason that I took my husband's name is the same as the reason you decided to give your children your surname.

And hyz, I see your point in the buck stopping somewhere. I guess I would disagree that it actually STOPS somewhere, though--instead, the buck just keeps stuttering down the line-- you decide for your kids, then they reconsider and make new decisions when they marry, etc. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that, and like I said before, the fact that people are discussing it instead of just accepting the traditional system is what seems to be the truly progressive answer.

Hm, Beatrice got to make the point first, but I too find the "Christmas card problem" a non-issue. Of course one uses first names in the interior of card, and you can do so on the outer address. But you can also put "FirstName LastName and Family." Sometimes I put "All the Smiths, Does, and Smith-Does" on envelopes. Believe me, despite my family's 3 different last names, I'm happy to get first-class mail no matter whether each person gets named correctly or not.

But the thing nobody seems taken aback by is "Mr. and Mrs. HisFirst HisLast," which I thought was totally archaic by now. That really is a complete subsumption of the woman into the man's name. I usually write each member of a couple's full name out, with no honorific, to avoid that. I suspect some people might take offense at "Mr. John Doe and Ms. Jane Doe," which is another possibility. Wasn't "Ms." supposed to mean "None of your business whether I'm married or not?"
Am I just a crazed commie-pinko lesbian? Well, OK, I am all these things, but do people under 65 still use that "Mr. and Mrs. HisFirst HisLast" formulation?

Tess--nice personal story. I definitely get what you're saying about feeling a little like you've lost something when people ask you for gnocchi recipes--"they don't see me, really" is a good way to put it.

Actually, this leads me on a bit of a tangent. I have a common uber-German surname, and it has led people to assume my heritage is very German, and has led me identify with German culture, etc. This is the case even though I'm technically more Irish than German by a hair, and nearly as Slovak as I am German (plus a few other things mixed in). I think this might be a great separate topic for a post, or whatever--how our names affect our perception of our heritage, regardless of our actual roots. For me, as much as I am drawn to Irish and Slovak cultures, I feel more like a "visitor" to them than to German. For instance, I wouldn't feel a bit silly giving my child a very German name (especially if they shared my last name), because I feel like it represents "me" in a way. So, I would totally do something like Ansel Schwarz (or Ansel Song, if using DH's last name), but I would feel a bit out of my league using Niamh Schwarz/Song, and definitly like I was forcing things to use some of the Slovak names I adore, like Casimir(Kazimir) or Nadezhda. Even though I know I am not (much) more German than the other nationalities, and in fact my German ancestors came to America long before my other ancestors (my mom actually grew up speaking some Slovak in the house, with all Slovak ethnic foods and traditions, etc.), they still don't feel like "me" quite as much. Does anyone else have this experience?

So back to the topic at hand--even if I changed my last name to DH's ("Song"), nobody would ever look at me and think I was Korean, so I wouldn't have quite the same problem as Tess, but I would still feel as though a part of me had been elided, because it wouldn't be apparent to anyone unless they took the trouble to ask.

Pyewacket - re your comment, "I've heard people say that not taking your husband's name implies you don't love him, you aren't really committed to the marriage, or you're headed for divorce Fortunately, I've heard this mostly in internet discussions, not in person." You are lucky - I hear these comments from my father (in person) on a regular basis. Sigh. (Not aimed at me, but at my sister, who didn't take her husband's name when they got married. I hyphenated, so I get a LITTLE bit of slack from him. Talk about judgemental and small-minded, huh?! And to think that we thought he'd actually be happy and flattered that we wanted to keep the same surname as him. You just can't win sometimes!)

@Beth the original--I completely agree with you on the Mr and Mrs Hisfirst Hislast, and I am not a commie-pinko lesbian! :)

While I am happy I took my husband's lastname, I'm most definitely Mrs Jessica OurLast--and I have argued with my mother about it, who always addresses things to us as "Mr and Mrs HisName OurName.

It's funny you mention that, because while I've been Jessica OurLast for 3 years now, I am never, ever Mrs OurLast, and on the rare occasions it happens I am totally weirded out. I work/attend church in very casual environments, so at work I'm just "Jessica" and at church the kids call me "Miss Jessica"...so pretty much only telemarketers call me Mrs Lastname....

MelissaBKB #110 said

"...moms and dads with different last names say ‘broken home’ to me..."

Just wondering, is this something that matters from a *personal* point of view, or is it about what *everybody else* thinks?

My SO and I have different last names, and our son is Firstname Dadslast Mylast. We never discussed the "what will people think"-part of our son not having his father's last name, but I did reflect on it myself:

If I see a mom-dad-children family with as many last names as members, I assume the relations between the children involve some "half-" and "step-" prefixes. But I keep my assumptions to myself. And I can't imagine why anyone, to whom I am a complete stranger, would care about what I assume.

Yes, since my son doesn't have his father's last name as his last name, we will perhaps encounter a librarian, substitute teacher, bridge club secretary, or whatever who'll make an incorrect assumption about our family relations. But I don't care what these people think. The people who need to know - friends, family - already know. In fact, they knew the family relations long before they learned our son's name.

So, and I'm genuinely interested, if this is about what everybody else thinks - who is "everybody" and why don't they know already?

I personally LOVEEEE the name Genevieve. I think that Esther works (also a good Hebrew name option if you and/or husband are Jewish) as does James (which is also really cool because of the fact that it's traditionally a boy's name, but works well with a girl.) I think Miles Dixon is amazing. Dixon is a really good name and works with many first names. Patrick also works with your last name, but I think Dixon has a bit more umph and a bit more flavor to it than Patrick.

Since you have all helped k8sky so much with her naming dilemma, I wondered if some of you would like to give me your opinion on these names. We have settled on Theodora as our first choice if we have a girl. People have pointed out that we should have a second choice just in case our baby girl does not look/feel like a Theodora when she's born. I am so mentally and emotionally worn out by the effort it took to decide on Theodora, that I feel completely overwhelmed by the task of a back-up name! To kick-start my brain, would you please be so kind as to tell me which one of these names you think works best? (A mish-mash of my picks and hubby's picks!) Thanks so much!
Elodie Leaf
Clementine Leaf
Sophia Leaf
Scarlett Leaf
Delphine Leaf
Laura Leaf
Amelia Leaf

Anna-In this day of people having many multiple situations, I find that I don't make that many assumptions about others naming choices for their children. So if I run into Joe Smith/Jessica Jones/and Joey Jones, I don't automatically assume that Joe is a step-dad or something other than the biological dad. Especially since it usually is NONE of my business (like with childrens friends families). However, with people my own age, I find that the times brought on a lot of divorcing and such. So when I went to HS I often assumed the above situation.

Re christmas cards (Beth the original and Anne with an E): It is funny that this entered into the conversation. My dh still addresses many cards to Mr + Mrs Lastname. Although, mostly he does this with the older generation. We have several relatives and friends who are Firstname Lastname the same as their dad's even though they are not jrs. We send cards to both and address the younger set as Bob and Mary Smith or The Smith Family (if they have kids) and the older set as Mr + Mrs Smith.

Re Mrs Lastname by telemarketers: I don't like this either. I am not Mrs. DH OurLN!
Rather I AM MyFN Middlename Ourlastname. So its funny when telemarketers address me as Mrs. Ourlastname because it usually means I'm not interested. However, I equally dislike when they address me by my FN as they are strangers to me.

I can handle Mr + Mrs OurLN, but NOT Mrs. DH OurLN and don't really like Mr + Mrs DH OurLN. Occasionally on wedding invites or other formal correspondence I get the last two, but if they use our "real" names on the inner envelope, I forgive them. My mom made me address invites with the most formal language.

I had a different experience from some of the other professionals on this board.

I started my company shortly before I got married. I was taking his last name, but what to do about the new email address six months before the wedding? Use my maiden name, and then change it just a few months after having just given out the new email address? Take a chance and possibly jinx my wedding by using a last name that wasn't mine yet?

I ended up using the initials of my first name, maiden name, and his surname. But what a funny thing to worry about in the middle of starting a business.

Leafy: I like all your choices except Laura Leaf (the alliteration is too much) and Scarlett Leaf (for the same reasons Violet didn't work). If I had to pick one, it would be Delphine.

beth the original,
i have to say, that though i would probably take my husband's name when the time comes, i do NOT ever want to be mrs. hisfirst, hislast. that drives me absolutely mad, and i do think it is becoming archaeic...

leafy,
i like all your alternate choices! i think i will give a slight edge to amelia. if it were me, i think my strategy would be to pick whichever was light and breezy. this is mostly because i see theodora as a somewhat weighty name. this isn't a bad thing, but in the case that it doesn't fit your child, i would want my back-up name to be on the other end of spectrum--light and airy. however, i would say most of your choices fit those criteria, so you'll probably be good. :]

oh, and regarding whether "everyone" assumes that different last names = broken home.

i try not to assume this since i know it so often isn't true (and as someone mentioned above, not my business), but i admit that it is an impulse i have. if i know a family and the last names of various members are all over the place, i'm very likely to assume that there are step-parents/half-siblings/divorce involved.
of course nothing is wrong with this type of family anyway, but it still isn't a fair assumption.

On SJP's daughter Marion, I was surprised but I kind of like it. I am thinking of the fabulous and oh-so-chic French actress Marion Cotillard, who has changed my opinion of the name and made it seem quite young and glamorous. Interesting that I don't feel at all the same way about Marian, though. The A spelling = still grandmotherly.

Leafy - my choice would be Clementine. I like the sound and flow with your ln most, and it offers you a different 'feel' to Theodora. I love Theodora, though - it's a family name for me and the nn Thea is an all-time favourite.

I'm skipping a lot of comments to get my thoughts down so I may come back with more later.
Re: Mr and Mrs HisLN, my husband and I lived together for years before we got married. At the time, my grandmother wrote me weekly. Until we got married the letters were addressed exclusively to me. After we got married it was immediately Mr and Mrs HisLN.

I did change my name, but two things struck me about this. First, I didn't expect to become Mr and Mrs HisLN (and even worse, Mrs HisFN HisLN, as has happened). Second, it was funny that the marriage suddenly made him "visible" to my grnadmother (even as I became less visible!).

I always solve the multiple surnames on 1st class by saying the Smith Hill family (or I might--if there were more than two surnames--say Joe Smith and Family).

Leafy-My comments for whatever they are worth:
Elodie Leaf-pretty, not sure about the repeated L sound

Clementine Leaf-sounds odd to me

Sophia Leaf-pretty, common but pretty

Scarlett Leaf-i agree w guest above in that it doesn't work for me

Delphine Leaf- not a big fan of this name sorry

Laura Leaf- I actually LIKE the alliteration here

Amelia Leaf- again common but looks nice

Would you still use Violet Edith as mn's? If so I might use Elodie, Amelia or Sophia. Laura with those mn's is too many different sounds. Scarlett is also a color as is Violet so that REALLY doesn't work for me. Of course, these are just MY feelings you may think differently.

Leafy,

Check out this blog about a mom who went to the hospital with the name Theodora, but then changed her mind once she saw the baby. So you are smart to have a back up name!

http://youcantcallitit.com/2009/06/21/a-very-special-announcement/

Of your choices, I like Delphine Leaf. It aludes to nature, but is not so obvious. Plus, it has a similar feel to Theodora. Very dignified.

I love Elodie!

leafy-- I vote for Clementine first and Delphine second-- for some reason I just love the French-sounding names. and i am a HUGE fan of Theodora!

re: mr. and mrs. hislastname-- I didn't change my name when I got married and I've run into a lot of different naming situations since then. My grandmother absolutely INSISTS on calling me Mrs. Stephanie HisLastName and when our daughter was born, had an announcement placed in her local newspaper listing me as Stephanie (MyLastName) HisLastName, implying not only that I had changed it, but that my current last name was my former last name. My mother tried to explain it to my grandmother but my grandmother remained insistent that she had gotten it EXACTLY right. Funny enough, I probably get more mail addressed to me as Mrs. HisLastName from my own family than from my husband's family.

I'm in my early 30s, and I know enough families with unique/different circumstances regarding names that I don't really make too many assumptions anymore. I figure-- like a previous poster said-- that the people who matter will know our situation and the ones who don't matter, well, it really doesn't matter what they think.

one other thing-- for those of you--women--out there who are married but didn't change your name, how do you handle people who address you as Mrs. YourLastName? I find this the most grating thing ever, and I get it a LOT, and it's so awkward trying to explain but it really really gets under my skin because I'm not Mrs. Anybody since to call me Mrs. HisLastName is just inaccurate (but somehow less annoying) and Mrs. MyLastName is equally inaccurate.

Tirzah-That was cute. Interesting that many of the names in the blog were names Leafy had mentioned earlier on the previous post. Eulalie is SO not my style but yet I know it is lovely for others. It DOES remind me of ukelele and that just doesn't fly for me or my family. Also, Beatrix and Eulalie remind me of the Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie.

I'm sorry for posting without reading all of the posts yet. But some one mentioned that she felt more possessive of her first name after changing her last name and it made me think about the fact that I have no desire to pass on my first name to my daughter. My first son is named for his father and my second son is named for his grandfathers so I am not fundamentally against giving a child a name that is shared, but I know that I feel like Melanie is my name and I don't want to be one of two in the family. It seems like it would make me become even more of just "mom" than I already am. I don't mind finding a connection between my daughter's and my name, but I won't give up my name for her. I've wondered about why most women I know would never consider naming their daughter's after themselves while many men do. I just wondered if it stemmed in part from the tradition of changing last names and that this makes our first names feel different? I know some of it is tradition, but it can't all be that. Just a thought.

slk34-Not to be picky, but I would think you are Mrs. Whatever Yourlastname. It's the customary formal salutation to address a married woman as Mrs. (although I dislike it myself). So I am Mrs. Hislastname to my kids friends who are being taught to say that as a sign of respect. Plus at the children's school they must call me something (instead of "hey you" so I relent there as well). So since you need some kind of name, you should be Mrs. (if you are married) and whatever surname you have chosen for yourself be it your original, his, or otherwise.

Tirzah-- I love Eulalie...I wish there were a current boy's named that I loved as much..And that whole hospital exchange reminds me of what my son and his wife experienced with Sweet Baby #1--only I was the lifeline( from a remote place) with access to BNW, a computer and a third opinion(okay, I admit it!).. I do think the hospital drama often plays out because the Mom is not 100% sure and the Dad is still waiting to be the definitive, tie-breaking, really, really vote..It is hard to know until you see the little face, I know. My Gabriel should have had black curls to go with his long eyelashes for the name to fit, but, now he does--- I may be in the minority, but, often, the baby doesn't really reveal him/herself for months. My daughter kept her birth appearance, but my son became much more "exotic", as people would say to me. They might mean an Adrian Grenier(sp?) type, I think... Also, to Hyz, thank you for relating your story..It is no one's fault, but to have your ethnic identity erased is such an odd, empty feeling.

I think that I am of the mind that whatever people do with surnames and changing, hyphenating, creating them post-marriage is fine with me, so long as the know there are options out there and they discuss or at least consider them. Even if this means changing because they like the sound or they just really want to! We also shouldn't be so quick to judge what people do, they have probably thought about it alot and done what is best for them. Even if people don't think about it too much, it's really none of our business is it? It is fun to talk about it in a discussion like this though, so many good points of view.

Re the Broderick babies - love Tabitha (have a long time friend with this name). Have noticed it becoming a bit more 'used' these days. Not a huge fan of Marion but I like that it isn't too common these days. I don't like the uneven number of middle names. I wonder what the reasoning behind that was?

Leafy - you have great taste in names, I love so many of the names you do. My three picks would be Delphine, Clementine and then Elodie in that order. Elodie has some repeating sound issues but is still a viable option. Clementine can be a fruit so you may want to consider that, but I don't think it's too obvious and should be discounted just on that basis. Middle names may change my preferences though. I think all of them have a different feel to Theodora so would be a good back-up. Anyway pick one you love!

Leafy,

I like both Elodie and Delphine, but the "n" ending of Delphine doesn't flow as well into Leaf, I think. Personally, I think Amelia and Sophia are a little too common...especially for you, with your flair for names.

What about DELILAH? Delilah Leaf. I had never considered that name before, but friends of mine used it for their little daughter. I can't ever say her name without thinking of the word "delight", which is a pretty fabulous association. I personally think that names with internal "l's" sound great with Leaf. It has a flowery feel, too, without actually being a literal flower name.

I'm surprised that so many people on here STILL think first and foremost BROKEN HOME when they hear different last names in a family. So many women are marrying later in life, with solid professions established under own name. Successful, professional woman doesn't come to mind first??? It's hard for me not to think that it's a regional thing...that in urban areas people might be more accustomed to it.

Several of my female friends with kids made the decision to keep their own name, so I guess I've been around it enough to be used to it...but then I have other friends, feminists as well, who added their husband's to their own.

I've thought already about how I'd explain it to my own young kids: That I got to carry them inside me for nine months, so it's only fair that Dad gets to share his last name. We both get to be close in different ways.

I'm not at all disparaging what anyone chooses to do for themselves. What's great about this post is that we get to hear about so many different people's preferences and situations. It does disturb me a little, though, that some people, especially women, still have those kind of automatic, negative associations for a woman keeping her own name.

I've never in my life thought I'd change my last name, but my father even introduced me and my new husband as Mr. and Mrs. Hislastname at our wedding reception. I could have clobbered him.

Oh and regarding the christmas card/invitation issue - I get all sorts of combinations of names given I use both surnames interchangebly and my husband even gets called by my maiden name. It really doesn't phase me.

I also don't care about getting called by Mrs His_name His_surname even though I'm not a fan of that generally. I know people just do it to be formal normally and it's not the general way I'm perceived. The Miss/Ms/Mrs thing doesn't particularly phase me either. Given the choice I'll pick 'Ms' other than when people are identifying me with my husband using my married surname, then I'll go with Mrs. I do object to Mrs Maiden_name though, as that is 'not me' and is my mother. It really annoys me when I get mail like that.