The Woman Who Didn't Know Her Own (Middle) Name

Mar 31st 2011

Gather round, friends, and I will tell you the strange but true tale of a woman who lost track of her own middle name.

It all started innocently enough. She was a young woman with a very common first/last name combo, and she was engaged to be married. She decided to take her husband's less-common surname, and to use her single-person surname as a middle name. And so on her wedding day, Ms. First Middle Single became Ms. First Single Married.

The years rolled by, with business cards, credit cards and contracts issued in the name of First S. Married. "Middle" sank quietly into the realm of memory. Then one day, our heroine realized she had never received the Social Security Card she'd applied for in her married name. She requested a duplicate, and it arrived printed with the name First Middle Married.

In the United States, the Social Security Card is king. When Ms. Married moved to a new state, the DMV ignored her old driver's license and issued her new identification with the SSA's preferred name. Once those two primary IDs said First Middle Married, her passport had to follow suit. The die was cast. She had a new official name, one which she'd never chosen.

Which full name should she use now? Which was "correct"? Was there any turning back?

A funny thing happened: she found she didn't care. Single, Middle, whatever. She didn't use any middle name much anyway, and the new version did have nicer initials.

Did I mention that this woman is me?

It's quite the irony, a professional Name Wizard not knowing (or caring about) her own name. But the lesson I took away is that for me and many others, our middle names aren't really our names. If you don't use a name and don't answer to it, it plays a very different role in your life. It doesn't shape the impression you make on others. It's something attached to you, rather than your own self. You might take it out to look at it once in a while, but it's not essential.

I suspect many of you feel differently. Your middle name is part of your identity. If it were taken away by bureaucratic chance, you'd spring into action to rescue it! For some of you with middle names of special significance, that's doubtless true. But as one who's been there, I can tell you that the reality of the middle-name switcheroo was far less significant than I would have imagined.

I spend a lot of time telling people that first names mean more and say more than we think. Middle names, though, may just mean less.

03/31/2011, 11:35AM

Comments

101

By EVie

April 5, 2011 3:01 PM

Hmm... I think I kind of disagree about it needing to be all-or-nothing when it comes to naming after family members, although I think I am less enamored of family-tribute names than a lot of others on this board. My own name is a family name—my mother's middle name, and also a variant of my great-grandmother's name (my mother's much-beloved grandmother, whom I did have a chance to know, though at that point she had suffered a stroke and was not the same person she had been). My younger sister's name is not a family name—my mom agreed to let my dad choose it, since she had chosen mine, and he picked a super on-trend (though still classic) name (though he let my mother change the spelling to one she preferred). I don't think either of us has ever been bothered by the discrepancy.

When I have kids, my first son will be named after my father. All other kids will probably be given names that I just like. This isn't because I think it's more important give family names to boys—it's because my father passed away too young to know his grandchildren, and keeping his name alive will be the best way to see that he maintains a presence in their lives. Even if I were to hand out family names to the rest of my children, I don't think that any of them would be as meaningful—particularly the girls, because all the women in our families who could equal my father in importance are still alive, and we've agreed not to name after living relatives (for reasons of diplomacy and also minimizing confusion—my FIL is a Jr., and it is a pain). And I think that my daughters will be better served by a name of my choosing than by being strapped with one of the hopelessly out-of-style names that belonged to the women further up our family trees—Norma, Thelma, Hedda, Hulda.

As a last thought—I think that style is also important. If the sibset is William Fitzroy Ashwell III, John Beauregard Ashwell, and Kaylee Ava Ashwell (where the boys' names are family names), then yeah, I can see how the discrepancy in priorities is gratingly obvious. But if the daughter is named Catherine Rosamund Ashwell, even if neither of those are family names, it seems fine to me.

102

By Larksong NLI (not verified)

April 5, 2011 3:53 PM

Fascinating artile, Laura ! I 100 % agree and what an interesting tale. One of my favourite artivles of yours .

I wasn't given a middle name as my name is hyphenated (which hasn't given me a day's problem in my life) and while when I was younger I always wanted one (my brother had one), it honestly doesn't bother me anymore. It's why I like the idea of having unique or quirky middle names. Have that Jane Plum!

To Everyone :
I was wondering, what type of style or type of name would you describe Radley(male)
as ?Thanks!

103

By Guest Too (not verified)

April 5, 2011 4:14 PM

When we were naming our son we thought of the middle name as a "fun" choice. We ended up going with Tiberius. My husband always loved the name but didn't want to give it as a first name (maybe we should have given it to our dog). Little did we know that his family would be very offended. My FIL thought we should have used his or his father's name to pay respect. Ooops! Good thing I have been disapointing my in-laws for years, so it was consistant.

When we had our daughter I gave her my middle name which also happens to be my father's name. I thought it sounded great with her first name and I figured what the heck, my in-laws pretty much hate me anyway so why not feed the fire and name her after me and my dad.

I should also mention that both me and my brother have the same middle name - we are both named after our dad. No ego there!

104

By elande

April 5, 2011 4:17 PM

On the topic of middle names, we're trying to choose one for our baby girl due in 3 days (!). For her FN, we're using either Violet or Eleanor (our LN is @nderson). If we go with Eleanor, her MN will be Lily in honor of my mom and DH's mom, who are Susan and Sue - which both mean Lily. And both my mom's and my MN also start with L (hers is Lynn, mine is Lou) so I feel like we're good there. But if we use Violet, Lily is out as an MN since Violet Lily would be a little overly floral. :)

So, what are your thoughts on Violet Lillian? Still too flower-y? Or just too far removed from the names we're trying to honor?

Our other option would be Violet Lucille, which we just like the sound of even though it doesn't have much family significance other than also starting with L. So do we go with the one we like the sound of or the one that has a bit more family connection?

105

By zoerhenne

April 5, 2011 4:40 PM

Larksong-I think Radley is an aristocratic sounding name to me (like Radcliffe) but also a new invention type surname-name (like Ripley). It doesn't present itself with many nn options though. "Hi, I'm Rad" is kind of weird for me being as that in America rad=hip,cool,etc.

elande-I agree that Violet Lily is a bit flowery. Violet Lillian is a bit better but still doesn't ring as the best choice. How about Violet Lorelei (Lor-ih-lye)? And also I think Lillian is better with Eleanor it sounds more complete and stylish.

106

By Jo @ To a Pretty Life (not verified)

April 5, 2011 6:14 PM

My grandmother is First Middle Hergrandmothersmaiden Maiden Married. She may also have her mother's maiden name in there too. She goes by only First Married, but I think she uses all her initials: NCCRC or NCCRRC. Her mother, who went by Anne, didn't know (and we still don't know) whether her name was officially Anne, Ann, Anna, or Annie.

I am somewhat attached to my middle name, although not as much as I was before I got married. I have my middle name instead of my last name (either maiden or married) for my facebook surname.

107

By NataBee (not verified)

April 5, 2011 6:21 PM

Of course, a middle name is typically obscure; however, it is not uncommon for people to use both in their day to day lives. Some of my favorite double names include:
Ellie Jane
Lucy Grace
Leah Marie (Pronounced LEE-ah MU-reE)
Lila Rose
Piper Elyce (like Elise)
Anything 2 syllable with Elyce, love that name
Hannah Claire
And so on...

108

By Edith Bouvier Beale (not verified)

April 5, 2011 9:17 PM

EVie: You are right that style makes a big difference. My siblings and I definitely fall into the template you outlined: think John, Joshua and Tiffany. I think that certainly makes the other discrepancies more obvious (and a little more painful) than they would be if I had been Katherine (or, to fit the Biblical theme: Hannah or Elizabeth or Rachel or anything but Tiffany.)

109

By Yet Another Guest (not verified)

April 5, 2011 9:42 PM

I'm finding this very fascinating. I can't tell if it's a cultural thing--the having to choose whether to make your maiden name your middle name or not--or if I just don't have enough married friends who changed their names to know. I really didn't know it was a thing. Any other Canadians on the board? I'm curious if this is an issue in Canada, too, that I just missed. I only have one friend that took her husband's name and I have no idea what she did with her name. Some friend I am! And the thought that some girls aren't given a middle name because they will use their maiden name when (not even if!) they get married made something in my brain explode.

And so much name news to respond to! I'll have to go back and reread the comments, but ALR, I'm so excited for you! Congratulations on the double adoption and their names--Henry and Naomi--couldn't be more perfect! As for middle names, my choices for Henry are:
Henry William
Henry Myer
Henry Cortland

For Naomi:
Naomi Adele
Naomi Elise
Naomi Kate

But really, all of your choices are great. Can't wait to hear what you decide!

@Larksong - Radley makes me think of Boo Radley from To Kill a Mockingbird, the only time I've come across the name. I would assume that it was a family surname if I heard it on a baby.

110

By BornThatWay (not verified)

April 5, 2011 10:12 PM

@KMM You could just keep your name the way it is when you get married. Maybe I'm more unusual than I realized, but I didn't change my name at all when I got married. I considered it, but my full first, middle and last name are perfect the way they are. My last name is highly unusual and my names all together spell out a secret extra name. I've always loved that. My husband's name is one of the top ten US last names. Why would I change my name to something boring when the name I already have is great? I joked that he could take my last name if matching last names was important, but he declined. Anyhow, I haven't had any trouble having a different last name than he does. In some situations, it has even been an advantage. :)

111

By Yet Another Guest (not verified)

April 5, 2011 10:23 PM

@KMM I agree with BornThatWay that there are some advantages. When a telemarketer calls asking for Mrs. HisLastName, I can honestly say there is no such person. I also use it for catalogues.

My husband's extended family assumed I took his name, so we did get something engraved with his last name, and most of them still think I have his last name seven years later, but it doesn't bug me. (What does bug me is that my MIL and FIL *still* can't pronounce my last name! Yes, it's unusual, but come on!) It's normal in my circle of friends to not change your name.

We did hum and haw about what last name to give the kids and ended up giving them two last names (no hyphen) just to confuse things even more. I figure when the become adults, they can choose which one they prefer to use, or keep using both.

112

By Pria (not verified)

April 6, 2011 1:46 AM

This is a sweet and telling story, and one that is particularly poignant for me as I prepare to change my name this summer from "First, Middle, Last" to "First, Maiden, New Last". I agree with your comments regarding middle names in general, but I wonder whether the significance of this is primarily a function of *time* for women who adopt their husbands' last names upon marriage. Perhaps, after many years, the switch of an official middle name back from the maiden to the given middle name (or, as you describe, any confusion regarding the relative legitimacy of both) would not matter very much. This inconsequentiality seems due to the fact that the span of years might have served to effectively *replace* the old last name with the new one: with continued use of the new name, and continued disuse of the old one, the old one might have become obsolete. But among my peers, many of whom are hovering around marriage, the desire to hold on to the maiden name after having taken on a husband's last name is strong. Even my mother, who has been married for thirty-one years, has passed along her maiden name as a middle name to each of her daughters and has instilled in us a sense of its importance to her. I have no doubt that this varies widely, and in general I am convinced that your conclusions do indeed apply to a majority of people, but I would argue that, depending on the personal and familial import of a middle (and, in particular, a maiden) name, it may in some cases retain a significant (though more or less private) value for its proprietor.

113

By RobynT

April 6, 2011 3:35 AM

elande: i think violet lillian works. (violet lucille is good too!)

114

By world cup jerseys (not verified)

April 6, 2011 5:42 AM

Soccer Jerseys usa soccer jersey 2010 became highly regarded amongst soccer fans throughout the globe. Fans sport these jerseys to indicate their admiration for his or her favorite jerseys from china player. though the trend of wearing an equivalent jersey as common soccer players has been around for quite an extended time currently, this idea has solely recently gained the cult status of almost being a world trend. folks of all ages can be seen carrying cristiano ronaldo jersey, however this trend is a lot of widespread among adolescents, particularly among college youths.

115

By zoerhenne

April 6, 2011 8:52 AM

Laura-I think it would be interesting to do some kind of survey and figure out whether adopting the maiden name as a middle name is a function of A) person's "proper" upbringing
B) location (i.e. everyone that we know did it)
C) age upon marriage
D) generation upon marriage (there are many generations represented on this board)
E) profession (i.e. if using your maiden name in business then you are more attached to it)?

116

By Aurora

April 14, 2011 2:10 PM

In Canada, the name on the birth certificate is considered the legal name. It's also okay for women to have their married surname on their driver's license, passport, etc. even though it's not their legal name; all they have to do is provide proof of their marriage (i.e. their marriage certificate). Canadians can also opt to leave their middle names off their Social Insurance cards (which is what I did). For what it's worth, I chose not to take my husband's surname.

117

By Larksong NLI (not verified)

April 6, 2011 2:45 PM

Thanks ! That's surprising.I would never have thought of Radley as being ''aristocratic'', but it does make sense. Now you have me liking Radcliffe as a fn - and I do like Crawford as well ;)

What type of boy names would you pair with Radley as a BROTHER?

Thanks

RE: Violet Lillian
I think another L variant makes it an extremely elegant combo. Violet Lucille or Lucinda or something slightly vintagey with it gives it a lovely air

118

By Buttercup (not verified)

April 6, 2011 2:53 PM

Sorry this is off thread, but I could use some help. My brother and SIL are due in two weeks. They are having a little girl and seemed to have finally agreed apon the name Arabel, but are having last minute cold feet. It's the only name they both love, but with the popularity of bel/belle/bella names, they want to secure a possible nn away from that trend. No one likes Ara on it's own, so I was wondering if anyone here could come up with suggestions. It took a LONG time for them to agree on a name and I would hate for them to scrap it because of this. Thanks!

119

By Yet Another Guest (not verified)

April 6, 2011 4:01 PM

@Buttercup I'm terrible at nicknames and know there are some one here who are great, so with that caveat, I thought of Arby, Rabby, and Rabs. But I think Arabel is name that probably wouldn't be shortened. I hope they go with it regardless of nickname possibilities!

120

By Chimu

April 6, 2011 5:03 PM

@Buttercup - how about Ari? It's actually not an easy name to nickname but something with the middle name could also work?

121

By JenDixie

April 6, 2011 7:06 PM

If I had had a middle name, I probably would have kept it as my middle name instead of using my last name. Honestly not very attached to my last name! My sister in law kept her middle name too. It just flows so much better in her case and in many cases. In her case also she has her grandmother's name as a middle name so I could see that facatoring into the decision. My daughter's middle name is my mother-in-law's name, and if she does get married and takes her husband's last name, I'd prefer her to keep the middle name as opposed to her maiden name. I definitely feel as though names should have meaning and feel that way, strangely, more about middle names than first names! (Maybe because I never had a middle name?) My names for future daughters also all are a.) tributes to family and b.) are part of a theme (virtue names).

122

By clarehelen

April 6, 2011 7:56 PM

@Buttercup - How about Abby as a nickname for Arabel?

123

By Karma (not verified)

April 7, 2011 12:09 AM

I honestly wouldn't care as I'm not in the least bit fond of either of my middle names. -shrugs- If/when I get married, I'd like to drop them both (Violet Heather ... blech!) and go by First Maiden Married. I don't use my middle names except for legal forms, and since my surname is also a reasonably popular unisex name, I think it would be work nicely - so long as future hubby doesn't have a surname starting with "K" also! I do NOT want the initials KKK!

124

By Buttercup (not verified)

April 7, 2011 2:12 AM

@Yet Another Guest, I personally think Arby is darling, but when it was brought up, nobody could seperate it from the fast food chain. The Rab names were also a no go. We're Jewish, and it sounds too close to Rabbi, but thank you!

@Chimu & @Clarehelen, both Ari and Abby are great! Looking at the nn's on screen, it seems funny no one thought of them before. I think my brother and SIL are breathing a sigh of relief.

Thank you all for the help. It's much appreciated! If anyone else has any brainstorms, let me know.

I'll keep you posted on what they decide.

125

By Larksong NLI (not verified)

April 7, 2011 4:49 AM

@Buttercup

NN: Ara (said air-ah or are-ah),Arbie, Rarby,Rara (rar-ah,rare-ah)

126

By Penny in Australia (not verified)

April 7, 2011 6:50 AM

totally off-topic, but:

my friend doesn’t get along with her Italian stepmother, who speaks harshly and is difficult to get along with. The stepmother’s name?

Severia

(pronounced se-VAIR-ia). I mentioned that it was funny that this harsh woman’s name sounds/looks like ‘severe’, and my friend just said ‘huh?’. Oh these non-NE’s!

127

By Chrispy (not verified)

April 7, 2011 7:25 AM

I am very attached to my middle name, which was my grandmother's name. Interestingly, her parents has an issue when they had her baptized since neither her first or middle names are saint's names: Pearl Aurore (although Margaret means Pearl and there are lots of St. Margarets.) When I married I went with First Middle Married & have no problems except with my bank. I have had an account there since I was a little girl so when we opened a joint checking account, I just added my husband to the savings account I had. Strangely, although my name on the checking account is First Middle initial Married, when they issued a bank card it was First Maiden Married.

We have given all of our children middle names that had family significance with the exception that, for a reason that escapes me now, we decided to give child #4 an extra middle name that we just liked.

Speaking of names, I had asked a while ago what people thought of Margaret to honor my grandmother Pearl for baby #6, which is now a moot point since it is a boy. We haven't been sharing the name we picked for a boy with anyone so I can't get anyone's reaction. What do you think of Jean-Paul Rosaire? Rosaire or George was going to be the middle name anyway & Jean-Paul George sounds like an homage to the Beatles.

128

By zoerhenne

April 7, 2011 8:43 AM

Chrispy-Jean-Paul Rosaire sounds much better than George. It does in fact sound like a tribute to the Beatles. The other sounds way French though.

Buttercup-Ari (either pronunciation) seems to be the best nn derived from just the fn. Maybe they will come up with an attribute nn (Sunshine, Smiley,etc.)or Skye if she keeps her blue eyes to match with the "air" part of her name.

Larksong-Hmm brother names to match Radley/Radcliffe? How about:
Sinclair; Alistair; Phineas; Montgomery; Hayden

129

By Yet Another Guest (not verified)

April 7, 2011 10:43 AM

@Buttercup Told you I was bad at nicknames! I agree that Ari is the best. I'm glad to hear your family is happy.

@Chrispy - I agree that Jean-Paul Rosaire sounds much better than George which really does invoke the Beatles. I haven't come across Rosaire before. Can you tell us a bit about it?

130

By Chrispy (not verified)

April 7, 2011 6:42 PM

Rosaire is an old-fashioned French Canadian name meaning Rosary so it is both way French and way Catholic. I had an uncle and a great-uncle both named Rosaire. Both went by "Rosey". I have not seen or heard of it on any women but we did have a Columbian neighbor who was named Rosario (female).

131

By dada khan

April 8, 2011 12:47 PM

Interest rates are only going to go one way- up! When that happens, and people can't remortgage because they haven't got enough equity to meet the 75%, 80% or up to 90% LTV there is going to be some pain.

132

By apro1

April 12, 2011 8:33 AM

САМЫЙ ЛУЧШИЙ ПОСТ!!!!!

133

By Chauncey

April 16, 2011 2:17 PM

When your middle name sounds prettier and carries more weight than your first name...of course you don't want to see it go. Personally, without my middle name my first name would be too common and uninteresting. Think Sarah Ann versus Sarah Kimberly...I know that's a poor example but you get the point. Here's another example...Tom Joe verses Tom Owen...as you hopefully can see, the middle name adds to the first and sometimes last name.
I like my middle name, but can easily see how a middle name can be forgotten. They aren't used much in our society.

134

By torrents (not verified)

April 17, 2011 4:25 PM

I don't have a middle name....
but i have to tell you that i like this post..

135

By Ruth (not verified)

April 22, 2011 1:02 PM

As someone who goes by her middle name, I'm inclined to agree that middle names don't matter much. When I got married, I went from First Middle Maiden to First Middle Married. I sign all my documents F. Middle Married. When we went to refinance our home this spring, I thought the background checks and the credit checks would come up with my maiden name as middle name as a variation (those pesky also known as lines) but no, it's as if my maiden name never existed, and I think its all because I purposefully kept my middle name. Sometimes I wonder why I didn't just drop my unused first name as that would have made SO many things easier (the doctor's office, credit cards, anywhere that asks me to fill out a form with First, Middle Initial, Last). But unlike some folks with their middle names for which they feel no identity attachment, I am very attached to my unused first name. I may not use it, but it is an integral part of who I am. Maybe because the two names are the names of my grandmothers and in that way I feel like I'm connected to both sides of my family. I've considered changing my name officially to drop my first name, just to drop the confusion. But at this point, I don't know if I could ever be anything other than F. Middle Married.

136

By Jen Kaniff (not verified)

April 22, 2011 3:28 PM

Christiana -
They ask for your birth name, Because that way your grandchildren can TRACE back his/her ancestors. It will be extremely hard for them to trace back if it says you MARRIED name.
That's why they ask for your BIRTH name/ and Maiden name.

Example: If John Smith and Michelle Huang got married, Michelle changes her name to Smith. But she will need to put Michelle Huang because that way her children/ grand children can trace back her ancestry.

137

By NerdyBaldGuy (not verified)

April 28, 2011 4:13 PM

My middle name was my father's, grandfather's, and great-grandfather's. It's also my nephew's (I never had kids so my brother carried on the tradition). So it's very important to my identity.