Anyone else NOT finding out the sex of your baby?

Just curious if any one else here is planning not to find out the sex of their baby. I am 9 weeks along and we have decided that we want it to be a surprise for a lot of reasons. We really have no preference and this is our first child. I do wonder if I am making it harder on myself sometimes, by stressing over two names, keeping things gender neutral, etc. but feel it will be worth it anyways!

Let me know I'm not alone! :) 

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Replies

1
June 24, 2014 4:02 PM

You aren't alone.  I didn't want to find out with either of my kids.  It really isn't that huge of a deal to keep stuff gender neutral.  There is plenty of yellow & green stuff out there.  They mostly wear onesies & sleepers the first couple of months anyway.  I did buy one boy outfit & one girl outfit for the hospital pictures.  Unwashed, left the tags on and then had my husband return the ones we didn't use.  ;-)

With the oldest, we had a boy name 99% settled, but never seemed to come to an agreement for a girl's name.  With the youngest, we decided not to talk about names until after the birth, so he was named in the hospital.  I was a little stressed with the first because we didn't even have a short list for a girl.  I didn't stress about the 2nd at all.  I just kind of trusted that the right now would come along (and it did).

2
June 24, 2014 4:09 PM

We chose not to find out with our oldest.

We did find out with our second, but that's because DS was 9.5 years old and absolutely dead set on having a brother. I knew it wasn't, but I also didn't want his first impression of his newborn sister to be one of disappointment. So we found out with the caveat that he got to pick out and buy the first outfit for his new sibling to then show to everyone whether he was having a sister or brother. It turned out to be a very wise decision. He went through the 5 stages of grief in about 20 minutes, and was thrilled to death when his little sister arrived. 

We prefer to be surprised though, so if we are blessed with another, we won't be finding out. 

3
By Viv
June 24, 2014 8:23 PM

We're expecting #4 and didn't find out the gender of any of them. We had boy and girl name for the first one, used the boy name, kept the girl name for the second, who also was a boy and whose name was finalized after I was in labor. The third one was a girl, so we had a name left, and never really settled on a boy name, so that was a relief. Now #4 is due in Sept and I'm searching for the "perfect" names. I love names, but coordinating with our last name and my husband's taste makes it more challenging.

PS The nurses think it's fun to be surprised, too. It's rather uncommon not to find out, I guess. Congratulations, BTW!

4
By mk
June 24, 2014 10:46 PM

I don't have kids but most people I know didn't find out. Of course, knowing doesn't mean you'll have a name set. I do have a friend who found out and announced the gender and name on facebook only to go with a completely different name when she was born.

And lots of colors out there besides pink and blue!

5
June 24, 2014 10:51 PM

We waited to find out our oldest gender at birth and it was SOO special and completely worth the wait! It's so exciting to share both the gender and name with family and friends upon the baby's arrival :) Best!!

6
June 25, 2014 9:56 AM

Thanks everyone!

We are excited about not finding out. Just hoping nothing slips during the 20 week scan!

I think mostly we are just going to get a lot of flack from our families. In the past, everyone has known the sex and name of each baby practically by month 6. So monogrammed onesies and gender specific presents could follow and then the parents are pretty much stuck to the name either way. It feels so anticlimatic to me to know the name and sex before the birth. Besides, it has always struck me as odd (although I realize it is the norm) to put a baby boy in sports gear and a girl in tutus and headbands when they are infants. They are tiny babies and you won't know their gender identification until many years down the line!

There are a few reasons I have been thinking of finding out, but keep going back to our original plan of not finding out. DH really doesn't care either way if we find out or not and says it is totally my call. I think I would regret finding out and not having the anticipation during the birth! 

7
June 27, 2014 5:09 AM

We didn't officially find out with our first, but he was extremely unsubtle at the ultrasound, so we were reasonably certain but were able to tell family and friends that we had asked not to find out (which was true!). I think it's nice for the first child's sex not to be known to everyone far and wide just for pragmatic reasons of encouraging the purchasing of gender-neutral baby items - it's amazing how much things like carseats and high chairs and bedding and baby toys and the like is gendered, making it less hand-down-able. I'm not averse to a little tutu and headband action myself, but my goodness, it is okay if babies touch colors other than blue and pink (up through about 60 years ago, it was actually switched - girls wore blue because it was a calming color, and boys got pink because it was a stronger one.)

We did find out with subsequent children - it helped provide more concrete information for the big siblings, who had started wrestling with gender concepts by the time.

I mostly just wanted to say well done you for acknowledging that the gender identity is something that really is revealed several years later. People often talk about having "gender reveal" parties, when that is not at all the case... although I understand why no one wants to invite their friends to a "sex reveal" party, either, even if that is technically more correct.

8
June 27, 2014 5:12 PM

About anticipation at labor -- to me, it's always sort of surprising and amazing that there's a baby suddenly in the room. Every time, regardless, our children have been greeted in the delivery room with something along the lines of "Holy crap, it's a BABY!" (In the case of the child where we hadn't officially found out the sex, it took a good 10 minutes for anyone to investigate that part of his anatomy, and that was only at the prompting of the nurses, who wanted to know, probably for paperwork.)

Anyway, the ultrasound secret reveal was one of my favorite moments (it was really, really funny and sort of gave us a feeling that our child was going to do things His Own Way often), so while I hope your ultrasound manages to keep things hush hush according to your plan, it can also be fun if your child has other plans.

9
June 28, 2014 1:41 AM

Along these lines, when going to the ultrasound, tell them multiple times you *do not* want to know. Period. Then turn heads away when they place the wand at first because you never know what part you are going to get right at the beginning. We instantly saw our DD was a girl, but we were finding out with her anyway. So look away until they give you the okay!

10
June 28, 2014 4:03 AM

That's good advice -- one of our kids' ultrasounds was an obvious first-shot at wand-placement. In our trying-to-be-surprised case, he just kept shifting position in a very obvious way. Our tech did a valiant job pokerfacing and telling us when she was investigating bits that might be sensitive, though!

11
August 8, 2015 6:35 PM

Yep! If you don't want to know, don't watch when they put the wand on. 

Neither of our children were shy, and the wand was aimed right there. 

12
June 25, 2014 6:57 PM

My family of origin is so pro-not-finding-out that it wasn't until I was an adult that I realized it was *okay* to find out ahead of time! I still didn't want to -- like you I find the idea anticlimactic -- and we've had six surprise births -- all boys. I love the surprise at birth; my husband is more on the fence. Actually, I think he'd prefer to find out ahead of time, but he leaves it up to me. Around here most people find out -- I poll the ultrasound techs each time I'm pregnant, and they usually say 85-90% of their patients find out (I'm in the northeast). 

13
June 27, 2014 10:38 AM

You're far from alone.

Anecdotally, it's illegal to find out in India. (A friend's granddaughter was gestated by an Indian surrogate.)

I've had friends run the whole spectrum from telling everyone to keeping mum about everything. The norm, if there is one, seems to be to reveal the sex ahead of time, but not the name. But we have friends who did the full teaser route: they refused to discuss gender or names ahead of time. I'm pretty sure they knew it was a girl from week 20 on, but they hate pink, and didn't want to be saddled with everything in that color, so they chose not to reveal the sex. (They also took a week after the birth to decide on a name, which drove us all nuts!, but that's a different topic.)

I, too, dislike pink, but I also dislike surprises. We had a handy solution of sorts: my husband didn't want to find out, so I asked the ultrasound tech to write the sex where my husband couldn't see. I told people if they asked about gender that I was willing to share, but my husband would prefer not to know, so please be discrete. My mother was perhaps less succesfully mum than most, but she confuses pronouns fairly regularly (Hungarian doesn't have gendered pronouns), so we mostly managed to gloss over her lapses. I also told people that this was based on just the ultrasound, and those can be wrong -- I had a cousin who was told "most likely girl" with her second son. (She hates surprises, too, but both of her sons were coy at the ultrasounds.) In terms of the color-coded baby gifts, it helped somewhat that I'm the blue twin: we told people that it's not a question of blue or pink, it's a question of blue with flowers or blue with dinosaurs.

14
August 4, 2015 10:05 PM

Didn't before & won't again. Same as peeking at presents, so it seems juvenile, & the person scanning might be wrong anyway, so it seems pointless. That's right about 'gender-reveal': gender is a linguistic category. And I don't see the point of sex-revealing (^o^) PARTIES. I imagine you are invited over for a party, then you go, then the main event is to cut into a cake to discover it is pink or blue, or some such gimmick. Then what? You eat the cake, while you are supposed to gleefully discuss buying pink or blue outfits? It doesn't seem to be the least cause for celebration, but rather an attention-seeking move. Then the baby's born & there's probably a bit of 'ho-hum, what's new,' or maybe, occasionally, shock that there was a mistake, possibly disappointment, & massive exchanging of presents for other colors. I think separating the discovery from the birth is just somehow unnatural. Anyway, speaking of the hand-me-down things, that reminds me!... It seems once it wasn't traditional to have a 2nd baby-shower for someone, because it used to be nothing was color-coded & all babies were dressed the same, in gowns! So if the presents had already been given once, the next baby, boy or girl, didn't need anything different. Planning to dress my baby, boy or girl, in unisex gowns as much as possible & as long as I can get away with it. Makes changing easier too! My grandparents were really old-fashioned & dressed my father that way when he was a baby. Hoping my husband will let me choose even a baptismal gown.

15
August 5, 2015 6:03 PM

I didn't find out for my first two girls, not bdcause I didn't want to, but because no matter how hard the midwife tried we couldn't see the gender. For my third pregnancy I found out I was having triplets and I didn't want to know, so those were surprises too...but with my last pregnancy, Rowan, I found it early because by then I had had 3 pregnancies, 5 children and too much suspense leading up to their births. In pregnant now and I only found out I was carrying girls at my last ultrasound.

I too hate pink, for all my daughters instead of buying pink I bought purple clothes, painted their rooms purple and let them decide when they grew up what colour they wanted, for my boys it was green because that's my favourite colour

16
August 7, 2015 1:29 AM

You aren't alone. We didn't find out with our oldest, so we had to come up with a name for both.

We found out with our daughter only because my son was *so* dead set on it being a little brother, and I had a feeling it was a sister and we didn't want his first impression of the sibling that was so long awaited to be one of horrible disappointment. However, just in case his prayers that "the baby grow a p3nis" came true, we had a boy name decided on as a backup.

 

17
August 7, 2015 5:18 AM

My wife 28 weeks now and I don't know. I too had a wobble when I went for a scan by myself and she asked if I wanted to know!!! I was so proud of myself for saying no!!!

18
August 9, 2015 9:45 AM

I think you should do whatever feels right for you and your family. I will say that it was more difficult than I expected to find gender-neutral baby clothes when my sister-in-law was pregnant, but the anticipation was so much fun!