Different opinions about when to choose/announce the name? Please help!
Sorry, this is kind of long, but I really appreciate advice on this emotional topic.
My husband and I are not yet pregnant, but we are trying to come up with some ideas for names in advance so that we aren't trying to do it while I'm all hormonal.
We are planning on having two children, so we kind of fell into a pattern of finding two names of each gender. That way, we could imagine each name as though the baby had a brother or a sister to go along with it.
In the process of coming up with basically two of each, we decided that we wouldn't make any final decisions until after the baby was born. That way, we wouldn't have to worry about letting the name slip before the birth (we do NOT want to open ourselves up to criticism from family and friends). I told my husband that my only concern was that he might hold the baby and decide that s/he's "definitely a [name 1]" while I hold the same baby and decide that s/he's "definitely a [name 2]." My husband said that as long as we both feel comfortable with the final two of each gender, if I hold the baby and have a strong feeling one way or the other, that he'd be willing to go along with that.
I LOVE this idea and imagined us taking a few hours to recuperate, maybe even taking a nap, and holding our baby and trying out the two names and various nicknames that we've come up with.
Okay, here's where I'm getting to the problem....
My husband and I were just talking about how long the parents have to name the baby after the birth. I said that I thought they had at least until they went home from the hospital and that I had read about parents taking even longer to decide. He got very uncomfortable and said that that whole idea made him very uncomfortable. I said that I wasn't planning on waiting that long and would also feel uncomfortable leaving the hospital without a name.
But he was REALLY uncomfortable. With the whole idea of waiting any length of time at all. In talking about it, it sounds like he really wanted to be able to announce the name within minutes of the birth. MINUTES.
I brought up some "what if"s -- like what if I'm not feeling well or the baby has to go to the NICU and we don't even get a chance to hold him/her? To my shock, he said that ESPECIALLY if the baby were in any kind of trouble, he'd want to have a name for it right away. This is totally against my line of thinking. I can't even imagine announcing a baby's name when I haven't had a chance to even hold it, nor can I imagine trying to make a decision about a name while I am worrying about the health of my child.
I asked him, if he feels that strongly about having a name that quickly after birth, how did he think we'd make the final determination between the two contenders without even getting a chance to hold the baby? He said he didn't really know. That he just thought we'd know right away.
I feel so confused and scared. I feel like I had this perfect image of this process in my head. That I would give birth, find out the gender, hold it while they clean it and make sure that everything's okay....try nursing within the first hour, etc. I imagined myself holding the baby for as long as I could before my arms got too tired and I needed to take a shower and sleep. Then my husband would probably announce the vital statistics (sex, time of birth, etc) to our parents, and when I woke up and we were holding the baby again, we'd talk about which name we wanted to choose, of our final two.
Even when I imagined things going wrong -- the baby needing special care, or having to have an emergency c-section, or all kinds of other things, the process of naming was always the same in my head: holding the baby, whispering the final name choices to him/her and seeing which one felt right. Even if that didn't happen right away, I thought for sure that my husband wouldn't want to name a baby we hadn't even held yet.
My parents didn't name me or my sister until well after we were born. Both of us were born early and so they just weren't prepared. So it feels completely disturbing to me that my husband would expect me to give birth, maybe get a chance to hold the baby for LITERALLY 5 MINUTES (that was the number of minutes that he said he'd expected before making the announcement) and somehow have the presence of mind to name a child.
How do we work this out? Part of me feels so upset about this that I don't even want him there for the birth if he's expecting that he can pressure me like that. I'm having all these horrible images of being completely out of it -- in so much pain or on so many medications that I am unable to function -- and being asked to name a baby I can barely see because I'm so overwhelmed and exhausted. It's the most disturbing image that I can come up with.
But I know that as shocked and uncomfortable as I feel, that's how he feels too. In HIS mind, he'd be calling his parents right after the birth and telling them the name. He had a vision for how this would go and I had a vision for how this would go and I just want to figure out what we should do in order to make both of us comfortable.
Sun, 05/27/2012 - 6:07pm