Jewish namesake etiquette, and also suicide considerations
So I was doing dishes this morning and missing a dear friend who died this spring, when it occurred to me that I'd really love to commemorate her in naming a future child.
I know that in the Ashkenazi tradition, it's not done to name after living relatives, but are there any other considerations that I (a non-Jew) should take into consideration, especially in order not to step on the feelings of my friend's family?
Most of my Jewish family friends who have honored passed-away relatives with child-naming have just used the first letter of the honoree, but is that actually a requirement, or is it okay to use the actual name of the person being honored? I've wondered about whether it's just about wanting to use more au-current names for the children, or whether it's an actual custom to avoid reusing the same name, and I'd like to actually know, as my friend had lovely names that are also ones that pass our middle-name criteria (more popular and less unusual than our first name choices).
And, are there any restrictions on multiple people honoring the same namesake? I know that my friend's sister is attempting to have a child right now, and I imagine that she might wish to honor her sister in naming her future kids, and I don't want to step on any feelings. I'm not close to the sister, nor do I even have her current contact information, and I would be the very opposite of bothered to find that both the sister and I decided to honor my friend, but I want to make sure there aren't any cultural restrictions on the other side that I should be sensitive of. If we are expecting a girl, I do think I'd probably contact my friend's mother and discuss our naming plan and basically ask permission - while we aren't close they are people I would send a birth announcement to.
A separate issue: I strongly suspect that my friend had an active hand in her own passing. The family has very carefully avoided saying anything about the causes of her death (they are not people who talk very openly about difficult things), but 30 is not an age at which people spontaneously die in their sleep very often. My friend had battled psych issues for a very long time, so I'd be surprised to find otherwise, actually. As I know myself from past experience, losing a family member to suicide means that there's a lot of anger wrapped up in the grief, and from conversations with my friend's family that definitely seems to be the case, so I want to proceed extra-carefully and avoid offending.
That also raises a question of whether it would be horrible for a child to find out that they're named after someone who (likely) commited suicide. In our family we DO tend to talk about difficult things openly, so I do think it would eventually come up that my friend had such difficult inner demons to fight.
Thu, 07/26/2012 - 1:18pm
Replies
There's actually another thread going right now in which Miriam and others have addressed a lot of your questions—it's in the Names and Society forum, titled "NY Times Motherlode blog post" (I posted the original, but can't claim any of the expertise in the comments). I don't know the answers to the suicide questions, but I would be interested in hearing them. I'm sorry for the loss of your friend :(
A big thank you for this! I'd missed the other thread, and yes, it cleared up a lot. (My parents have a lot of not-terribly-religious culturally Jewish friends, for whom the initial thing seems to have become a newer tradition. It makes much more sense now - thank you for starting a great thread!)
Thanks for your condolences. My friend was a really lovely, compassionate, giving person who made an enormous impact on the world in her too-short time. If I were honoring her with a name, it would certainly be to recall the joy I had in her life, rather than to dwell on her death... and like the family in that article, it would definitely be in the middle name slot only.
First of all, Jews do not care about how non-Jews conduct their lives (except for the seven laws of Noah which are incumbent on all mankind). Jewish laws and customs do not apply to non-Jews. As for Jews, for those who follow Jewish law and custom strictly, it is forbidden to name a child after someone who has died a "strange" death. Strange could include murder, drug overdose, suicide and so forth. As for suicide, it is presumed that a death was not suicide unless it was witnessed (person declares he will jump off a building and then does so in front of qualified witnesses) or there was a suicide note. So if it is not known for an absolute fact, a death is not considered suicide. It is permitted for more than one child to be named after a given individual. It is the intention that counts, rather than the actual name. Thus, if there is family pressure to name a child after someone whom the parents do not respect and who is not a good role model, the parents can give the child the same name as the poor role model, but with the intention of naming him/her after someone with the same name whom they did respect.
No, using the first initial is not a requirement. That misconception is discussed in the other thread. In your case, if you wish to honor your friend by recalling her name, I would use another name which has the same/similar meaning as her name or which refers to something that was important to her in life or which repeats some of the sounds or cadences of her name. I would not use your friend's exact name. Later in life when you child asks about her name, you can say she was named in a way that recalled and honored a dear friend who passed away too young. It would not be appropriate to mention suicide since you do not know for sure that is what happened. Even if it comes to pass that you do know for sure and the subject comes up with your child, you can rightly explain that some mental illnesses are life-threatening and that that is what happened.
Excellent insight, both here and in the other thread. Thanks, Miriam. I also really appreciate your advice not to use the exact name.
You're very right that it's not okay to assume suicide. It's hard not to when I was so very involved in the picking up the pieces in the aftermath of past attempts, but you're right that I don't know what happened this time. I think I agree that this could nevertheless be a very difficult thing to burden a child with as a direct namesake with, because it's hard for it not to cast a shadow on the tremendous love and light that my friend brought to our lives.
It occurs to me that this is actually also an issue with another namesake we've contemplated, as my grandmother also committed suicide in her old age, in her case with elaborate declarations of intent and documentation. Her name was a middle name for my mother and for myself as well, so it's now in "family tradition" category, and being a common name it was obviously present in earlier parts of the family as well. I think in her case it is also a bit different because it was less untimely -- not so much mental illness and more deciding that she had enough of old age.
I've dealt with suicide in so many realms of my life (family, friends, professionally), I've become a very strong advocate for suicide prevention, and my children will grow up with age-appropriate discussion of mental health issues and coping, because you put it well - some mental illness can become life-threatening.
Hm, the suicide issue is something I'd never thought of before but could be a challenging thing to saddle your child with.
"Who are you named after?"
"Jane Dough."
"Oh cool, a relative?"
"No, a friend of my mom's."
"Is she alive?"
"No"
"How did she die?"
"Well... we don't know.. BUT..."
I agree, it's tricky. On one hand, very few ways of dying are glamorous, so I think questions like "How did she die?" rarely have pleasing answers... but in this case, the youth of the potential namesake would make it a more obvious question to be asked in the first place. (It does bother me that I don't have the answers, either.) Ultimately, I think I may refrain from using the name because it's just such a weighty thing to impart, even if the intent of giving the name would be to honor the life rather than the death of the namesake.
First off, I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. I'm not Jewish, but I named my son after a dear friend who died young. I think it's a powerful tribute, and an honor to the person you lost.
In my case I am close with my friend's parents and I asked them if they were ok with naming my son Marc3l after their son. They were honored. I used it as his middle name, because to me it was a little easier emotionally but I still love using it. I actually know another family who named their son after the same friend, as a first name and I think there will potentially be more in our circle. The original Marc3l had a big impact in his short life. So I think it's cool that there may be more than one namesake for your friend.
I also think that they way she died is not as important as what she meant to you. My son's namesake died in a motorcycle crash but we almost never talk about that. Instead I tell the stories about his spirit and humor and kindness, which is really the important part.
Thanks for the condolences, and also for your story. I really think the middle name spot is a good place for honoring a lost loved one, as you hit the nail on the head with the "easier emotionally" assessment. I think it's a lovely testament to your friend that he has multiple little Marc3ls carrying on his memory, and you're right that naming after someone should absolutely be about the spirit and humor and life of the namesake, rather than about their death. My sympathies to you on your loss, and my congratulations on an excellent name choice.
My mother was named for her mother's only sister, who burned to death in a car accident in her late teens. As far as I know, my mother liked being named for her beloved aunt, whom she never got to meet. She feels that she had a special relationship with her aunt that her siblings didn't get to share, and a special reason to ask questions about what her aunt was like. It was a neat way to introduce her aunt into the family and gave everyone an entry into asking questions about her life. I doubt that I would even know that my grandmother had a sister were it not for the fact that my mother is her namesake. So I think that using your friend's name, or a variation on her name, would be a wonderful way to keep her memory alive and to focus on her life and the meaning she brought to yours rather than on the way she died. Tragic deaths have a nasty way of obliterating the memories of the totality of people's lives and I think that honoring your friend with a namesake would be a way for you to focus on the positive.
Tragic deaths have a nasty way of obliterating the memories of the totality of people's lives and I think that honoring your friend with a namesake would be a way for you to focus on the positive.
Very, very well said.
Thanks for providing the anectdotal support for the fact that it has worked out well to have a tragic namesake in your family context... it's always really nice to actually know examples of grown-ups who have lived their lives with a more tragic namesake but have felt very positively about it.
Please don't let the type of illness that led to your friend's death stop you from honouring her memory. Perhaps when your child is small, all she'd need to know is that your friend was a cool person and you miss her; when your daughter is older, if she's curious, you could explain your friend's long-term illness.
Sometimes psychiatric illnesses are terminal- they are more deadly than cancer for people aged 25-34 in Canada (the leading causes of death in this age group are 1) accidents, 2) suicide, and then 3) all cancers; data is here). I guess it upsets me to think that honouring a friend who lost their life to a mental illness has some sort of separate set of social protocol than does honouring one who lost their life to cancer, a congenital condition, accident, infection, or some other more 'acceptable' death. Ah well. Since the namesake was 30 and your friend, I don't think that you need to ask separate permission from her family- your friend can be remembered on her own terms. It might be easier if there is another form of the name, or if there's a name that reminds you of her which is a bit more circumspect. But I think I would be tempted to write a personal note with the birth announcement to your friend's family, including some memory of her from before she was ill--whatever makes her special to you-- and acknowledge that in addition to being a great name, it's in honour of their daughter, whose memory you cherish.
This, Blythe - you've articulated it very nicely. I've been an advocate for psych illnesses recognition and destigmatization for a long time, but it's hard because I think there is a major stigma associated with mental illness that is very very different from any other illness.
I agree that I don't NEED to permission ask, but I think it might be one of those things that discussing in advance might be polite or at least lessen shock.
I'm still very "on the fence" about it -- i don't think psych illnesses should be stigmatized, but at the same time, it seems that for many people a death with psych issue involvement is in a very different category from any other cause.
This issue touches quite close to me. I lost my older brother to suicide when I was a child (he was a teen). When we were expecting our first my husband said we could name him after my brother if I wanted -- I'm sure it helped that he had the lovely name of Daniel. I had no desire to put that on my child and I think it would be very difficult for my family to cope with. Dan's death and even memories of his life are still quite painful for my parents and older sister nearly 30 years later. In fact my sister had the family's first grandchild about 7 months before I had my oldest child and she was glad she had a girl so that it would be less painful for my family. If Dan had died in a car wreck or from cancer I think it would have been entirely different.
Now since it doesn't seem like you would have much direct contact with your friend's family so perhaps it wouldn't be so difficult for them.
another important consideration, in my mind, is: Would you use this namesake if the decedent were still alive?
Probably would not have done so, actually. I'm pretty sure that the middle name for any girl would otherwise almost certainly been the name of my grandmother, also my mother's middle name and my middle name... where my grandmother also did not have an exit from natural causes, actually, but somehow that doesn't bother me as much in this case.
Since the original post placed the naming in the context of Ashkenazic naming practices, I would think no. Ashkenazim are likely to be uncomfortable (to say the least) about having a baby named after them while they still live.
I don't have a lot of wisdom to add to this thread, but I just wanted to say that the compassion and thoughtfulness of the discussion is both refreshing and very moving. My condolences to you, lucubratrix and another Laura, on your losses. It's wonderful to see the range of tender and creative approaches to remembering, expressed in names and otherwise ...
My daughter's middle name is the same as my mom's. My mom died when I was 8, suicide.
Naming your child after someone who has died is about so much more than the way they died. How close were you to your friend? How significant is she in the story of your life? For me it's about who my mom was, and how much I love and miss her.
But using her first name would bring up the sad and painful memories too easily. For a namesake, I'd suggest the middle name slot, and perhaps her middle name instead of first.