Question: Is it bad to visit family?

I know the title is a bit misleading. What I really ment was is it bad to visit family every weekend and have your husband there? They are his in-laws, but he seems to get aong with them pretty well. Oh, and they also come over for dinner twice a week. Lately, he has been making excuses to get out of the house while they are here. I think he's getting tired of them, and part of me wants to let him do what he wants, but the other part wants me to make him stay. It's my sister, her husband, my mom, and my niece. Once they found out I was pregnant, they said that they had to come down and help more often. I don't know if i shoud tell the not to come so much, tell my husband to stick around, or tell my husband that it is okay for him to leave.

Replies

1
January 29, 2016 2:47 PM

I think it's really a matter of how everyone gets along. In some families it would be no problem, in others it would be unbearable.

Some of the questions to help distinguish between the two situations: Are these visits generally friendly and relaxed, or is there often/inevitably some tension or disagreement? Is your family whole-heartedly supportive of the decisions the two of you are making, or do you come in for a fair amount of criticism (even in the form of we'll meaning advice)? Did your husband know and socialize with your family before you were expecting? Is your husband fully included in conversations and activities with your family? Are these conversations and activities the kind of thing you and your husband would enjoy doing if you weren't with your family? Does he get an equal say in things while you are with your family? Is your husband fairly comfortable socializing in general, or does he prefer a lot of 'alone' time? If the answer to the first half of many of these questions is 'no' then you may have a problem--just for your husband or even for yourself.

Have you talked to your husband about this? I would think that would be the best way to figure out your best course of action.

See if you can come up with the answers to some of the above questions first, and then ask how he's feeling about the visits or specific aspects of the visits. If he is feeling uncomfortable with the current level of togetherness, see what he thinks would help. Think of it as practice for the millions of parenting decisions the two of you will need to make as a team ;-).

Good luck! 

2
January 29, 2016 7:42 PM

Sounds like you are a fairly new couple? I wonder if he was ok with the amount of visits before and/or tolerated it because it made you happy and/or he genuinely likes your family's company? And maybe now it's really gotten a bit too much for him? There is no way I would want anybody around that much no matter how much I cared for them or got along with them. 

Maybe as well-meaning as they are they aren't really helping. Sounds like this is your first baby. I would politely ask the family to back off a little. You and your husband won't have any alone time after the baby comes. I know that some families are really close and don't think anything about it. But it would drive me absolutely insane for my privacy to be invaded that often.

I mean no offense - different strokes and all that!  Bottom line - ask him how he truly feels...

3
By BCR
January 29, 2016 10:00 PM

we have been married for a year and before that dated for 2 and a half years, so yes, you could say we are fairly new. Actually, we met through my Dad-He worked at the same place. He used to say my dad was his role model. Your probabley right, I think it has been too much. It is our first babies- we are having twins. So, I geuss we won't get a lot of alone time. Also, now that i think about it, it has made me a little tense now that they come over so often. Maybe just one day on the weekend, every other weekend, and without dinner twice aweek. I will ask him tonight about what he really thinks about it.

4
February 5, 2016 7:49 AM

I think it's also okay to visit them without your husband now and then, dropping in for coffee and a chat with your mom or dad rather than going over as a couple (which is also good, but sometimes it's nice for everyone, including the parents, to get a bit of time with the child they used to know as an individual).

My ex used to visit his grandparents every weekend. His parents were dead, and I understood that the grandparents depended on this close contact -- it was all very understandable but it drove me insane, because we got hardly any time together anyway.

As for them wanting to come over more often to help you -- they're probably just excited. My in-laws would be over all the time if they could, analyzing my stomach circumference. A way to deflect it might be to say "oh, [husband] is taking such good care of me, he does all the cooking and cleaning now!" Might spur your husband to make good on that, if he's not pulling his weight, too. ;)